I got into a really toxic long-distance relationship with this one guy when I was younger and he was super controlling and shit. He would send me pictures or videos of him holding a gun to his head threatening to kill himself and he would keep me from leaving him and shit. One day I just said fuck it and I let him pull the trigger. I didn't tell anybody about the threats, I just let him do it untill one day he went through with it. In all honesty I was kind of glad he did it, and I feel like shit because of that. There are some nights when I feel so guilty I lock myself in my bathroom and cut my thighs just to feel something.

⚠️TW⚠️ When I was about 9 I was in my room when I heard a loud bang and of course I went to go see what it was. It was my mother and my brother (15 at the time) fighting. It was over his stupid Xbox and him wanting to go out with friends she said no like she always did and that’s how it started.. I just stood there because I have a tendency to start having a panic/anxiety attack when there’s yelling even if it’s not directed towards me but anyways. I remember this part pretty clear because it’s now something that will stay with me forever like other things but uh she had grabbed my brothers Xbox (the whole thing) and had hit him with it. One thing I will always have a clear image of is the pure shock on my brothers face and the slow drip of blood that fell down his hands… she hit him so hard his knuckles started to bleed really bad.. although this wasn’t the first time it’s happened it’s still a shock.. she was and still is abusive but my dad left her and has full custody of me.. I refused to go with her because she didn’t only do that to my brother.. she’d abuse me as well weather it was mentally, physically or emotionally.. she fat shamed me if I’d go for seconds because he’ll my dad makes really good food and I loved it but she made me hate eating.. hate my body.. and so much more.. although I’m away from her I still have an ED (eating disorder) and have to go to therapy very often.. because of her I suffer from depression and anxiety and sh and along the lines of those things and no I’m not self diagnosed my doctors and therapist have said I am ;-; but now I’m 14 going on 15 and I’m still battling her affects on me even after not having her in my life anymore. Please know if your going through something like this your not alone<3 thank you for listening to my Ted talk (had to add some humour)

• June 3, 2023