i dont know where i am going in life. i dont know what i want to major in for college or even what college i’m going to. i am barely scraping by with my schoolwork finishing it up so last minute. time feels like it’s going so fast and i dont have enough time to go to school, do homework, take care of myself, make sure i’m there for my friends, my family. i feel so lost and behind everyone. the world is moving on without me and i have to catch up but i’m being forced that way. i want to scream and cry and let my friends know everything but i cant.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023