I don’t believe in Karma, or I didn’t at least. My mom had been with this man that abused me when I was a child. She knew about the abuse and I even got taken by cps one day, but she got me back and we continued to live with him. I grew up with this hatred of him and he knew it. One day last year, I told my mom I wished he would get Covid and die; she told me not to say that because if I wish death on someone, Karma would take someone from me. I remember telling her Karma wasn’t real and that it would be fine. A few weeks later, my family was quarantined for Covid and he died in his sleep. We didn’t know until after she suddenly died in my arms the morning after, on the floor of my bedroom right across from theirs, where his body was. I regret every word of it and live with this guilt every day.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023