I came close to taking my life twice. Once in 7th grade and once in 10th. And I guess one secret I have is that most of my depression really started to sink in because of my mom. My depression and anxiety was always there but with my mom around, it felt like it wasn’t cause I thought I out of everyone I could trust, it would be her, but I was wrong. There was a complicated situation between my parents during 7th grade and ultimately, my mom said that she was spending about a week over her sisters come to find out, she left. She would call my father here and there but never called me to try to talk to me. After I lost all my friends and everyone, she was who I thought would never betray me, but I was wrong. They’re still together and I’m close to graduating high school but it’s not how it used to be.She keeps saying I can talk to her but I can’t. How are you suppose to talk to someone when they are part of the reason? How do you tell them that they’re the reason why you’re f*cked up and picked up smoking and drinking is because of her? I feel like she doesn’t deserve it but at the same time I just wanna scream at her and just say “go f*ck yourself.”

Sooo im currently suffering from an ED (bulmina to be exact) and my friends are supportive of me but at the same time they still make jokes about it. I always hear the “why eat if youll throw it up” “oh did you throw up already” “you cant even keep it down” etc. it doesnt bother me too much because alot of times they try to keep me seated and let me stomach the food down and have always asked me how my progress is. But at the same time, my best friend isnt the biggest eater, at least not infront of me. We would plan days to go out and eat and she always eats less than i do. I get really insecure and that prompts me to get rid of the food. She oftenly comments how little she eats or how shes not hungry. If yk anything about EDs, you should know that it’s extremely competitive. So everytime i hear that or smth similar, body body freezes up and i no longer eat or keep anything down for the day. I cant bring myself too. I feel like a pig everytime i hear “im not hungry” or “oh i only ate one thing today” or anything along the lines of that. Its not her fault for saying this or my friends to joke about it, we aren’t sentimental with each other and it weirds us all out when it does happen. I know they dont mean it and want the best for me, but the comments just drive my ED further and further. I cant go to my family, they make comments on my body regardless so the only people i have are them, but at this point idk if ill be okay.

• July 31, 2023