I blame myself for three deaths.. My grandmothers was most recent, January 20th. If I never called 911 in December and I just helped her up instead then she would be here. She fell and I could have gotten her up but I just didn’t feel like it and I regret that so much. She fell and broke her neck at the hospital and she was alive for a few days. I was supposed to see her the 20th but she passed at midnight. If I didn’t call she wouldn’t have broken her neck.. I would still have her. Next is my grandfather, last May. He got his covid vaccine while he was sick and he didn’t listen to us when we said to wait. The next day we were going to an amusement park and he almost got in a car wreck. We stopped in a parking lot and he took a nap. We couldn’t get him to fully wake up so we thought it was his sugar, I knew I needed to call 911 for him but I didn’t cause they said not to. If I called sooner he would be here with me and I know he would. I got to hold his hand goodbye atleast. And the third, in 2019 I lost my fake grandmother, she’s their bestfriend, I knew she was dying and her last few words was to take care of me and my brother. She loved us so much and instead of seeing her that day I said “I’ll see her tomorrow, she will be here” I chose video games over her. She passed 10 minutes after I said that. I’m only 16 and I blame myself for it all, not calling 911 in time, regretting to see her, and maybe I never should have called. I just want closure, something that can fix all of this. But one thing I do know, I wish I spent a lot more time with them, it’s so hard now without all of them and I just hope whoever reads this will spend time with their loved ones a lot more.

I fell in love with a guy for 5 years of my life. No matter how much time we were away from each other I couldn’t forget him or move on from him. 2 years ago I started to date someone else and had stoped talking to the other guy who we will call Jacob. For so long I thought that I had stoped loving Jacob yet not once did he leave my mind. He was always in my heart and was such an important person. Many people ask why I didn’t just stay with him. The truth is that he never told me how he truly felt. He never spoke his mind to me. He was always quiet and refused to tell me how he felt about me. In a way I know he loved me too. I just don’t think he wanted to be an open person because he was never open with anyone at all. We weren’t meant to be and this past summer I left my relationship to try and be with Jacob but he was hurting me by staying silent and not telling me if he wanted to be with me. He said he did but he wasn’t open on his feelings and as much as I think he did love me I also think that he was never gonna fight for me or open up to me. I wish it was different. He was the only person I will ever have such a strong connection and bond with. After two months of trying to work something out with him again. It failed. I felt like he wanted the whole world but me. I love him I really do. I went back to the guy I was dating because I felt it was unfair to leave such a great guy for something that wasn’t gonna work out. However I truly love Jacob and yes I love my boyfriend too but Jacob will always be a piece of my life and soul. I don’t know how to let Jacob go. At nights I miss him a lot and I need to constantly remind myself that I need to let him go. I just wanna forget him and move in. I wish it was easy. I just wanna feel happiness and no longer pain from a love that was too good to be true.

• July 30, 2023