I am in the worst place I have ever been in my entire life. I hate waking up each morning, I hate seeing myself in the mirror, I hate school, I hate everyone. The other night I was so close to ending it all. I had my knife ready and all my letters written. The thing that stopped me was genuinely that goddamn alarm that plays on your tv at 2am. I just dont know what to do now bc everyday is still a struggle. My bsf saw my c*ts and he is worried now but I dont want to bother him bc he has his own mental issues. I just feel like Im playing a part in front of everyone each day and its exhausting.

My parents got deported when I was 4 So when I tuned 15 I finally was able to go visit my parents at Mexico because it had been so long without being able to see them. my dad would always have to go on business trips even though he wouldn’t make much money but he tried just to bring money home. Each trip would be a couple of weeks and he’ll be home for some weeks as well then he had to leave , my mom always told me she had someone else but I always took it as if she was making a weird joke but once I was over there she started bringing this new dude around and told me that was my new dad the attention and love I wanted from my mom I didn’t get it because she would always be with the other guys kids maybe she wasn’t used to seeing me I thought but they seemed to be in a serious relationship and after I came back home to Cali she asked for me to move back with her to Mexico I said no because struggled with money and there where days where we wouldn’t eat and I didn’t like how we where living, yet I also wanted to say yes because I wanted to be with her but when I said no she said she wouldn’t take me as her daughter anymore, she sometimes doesn’t bother to call me on my birthday then she starts apologizing and makes me feel bad so I forgive her because she always says she misses me and I do too but after all that I never had the guts to tell my dad what happened. Why? Because I dreamed of a perfect family where we would all sit together and eat, wake up in the same house then them dropping me off and picking me up from school and me finally being able to give something to someone for mother’s or Father’s Day or me to finally spend my birthday with my parents by my side but now I think there really isn’t hope for that since I can’t be with them idk if it’s time I tell my dad the truth or not but he seems happy and I don’t have the heart to do it.

• December 21, 2022