I am a gay guy.. I have an intense desire for s** ever since I became an adult… once in 2008 on my birth day, I started touching my sleeping elder brother.. I am so disgusted by that today.. I cannot even imagine thinking of doing this… it’s such an ewww feeling… But, I continued with this habit, I touched many sleeping straight guys, gay guys… two of the straight guys felt so bad, stopped talking to me and I now understand at the age of 31 that what I did wasn’t right… but I realized it quite late… I kept doing it till 2019, I was so immature… how could I touch someone without their consent… I told my straight girl friends that I did it because it was too heavy for me to keep it to myself… I felt bad after that but when they were just sleeping besides me I just wanted to feel their legs n all… Now I think If someone touches me without my consent.. how would I feel like.. I understand it now!! When people say u r an adult to understand this by now… Is that really true… Like I realize it now completely…. Should I keep regretting about what I did? Should I move on?? I don’t know!

I fell in love with a guy for 5 years of my life. No matter how much time we were away from each other I couldn’t forget him or move on from him. 2 years ago I started to date someone else and had stoped talking to the other guy who we will call Jacob. For so long I thought that I had stoped loving Jacob yet not once did he leave my mind. He was always in my heart and was such an important person. Many people ask why I didn’t just stay with him. The truth is that he never told me how he truly felt. He never spoke his mind to me. He was always quiet and refused to tell me how he felt about me. In a way I know he loved me too. I just don’t think he wanted to be an open person because he was never open with anyone at all. We weren’t meant to be and this past summer I left my relationship to try and be with Jacob but he was hurting me by staying silent and not telling me if he wanted to be with me. He said he did but he wasn’t open on his feelings and as much as I think he did love me I also think that he was never gonna fight for me or open up to me. I wish it was different. He was the only person I will ever have such a strong connection and bond with. After two months of trying to work something out with him again. It failed. I felt like he wanted the whole world but me. I love him I really do. I went back to the guy I was dating because I felt it was unfair to leave such a great guy for something that wasn’t gonna work out. However I truly love Jacob and yes I love my boyfriend too but Jacob will always be a piece of my life and soul. I don’t know how to let Jacob go. At nights I miss him a lot and I need to constantly remind myself that I need to let him go. I just wanna forget him and move in. I wish it was easy. I just wanna feel happiness and no longer pain from a love that was too good to be true.

• July 30, 2023