Everyone around me thinks I’m the happiest, most joy filled person they have ever seen, especially my fiancé. What people don’t know is that I’ve been deeply depressed for over 2 years now and I can’t find the source of it. I hate myself and I’ve never loved myself. I’ve always wanted to be more but never wanted to be me. 3 different times in my life I was on the verge of commuting suicide and I stopped because I didn’t want to hurt the people around me. Everyday I live for the people I love but I never live for myself. They don’t know this. I’m glad they don’t because they are happy. I wish I was gone.

i’m tired. i used to be a straight A student all through middle school. i was a good kid. never argued, had lots of friends, was likable, nice, i loved my life. i’m now a freshman in high school, so i’m not that old. i’m scared to eat, i can’t trust anyone, i’m failing 4 classes, i don’t come out of my room, just lost my best friend, my ex who i still love despises every inch of me. it’s taking a toll on my mental health and i’m just tired of being here. tired of pretending i’m happy just so other people don’t worry about me. i don’t know what to do, how to react. my anxiety is over the roof, to where i can’t even get out of bed. i got diagnosed with being bipolar, which is hard. i just don’t know what to do. i’m trying but i’m so tired. i’m running out of options.

• August 2, 2023