every night i get a bunch of food, bring it up to my room, and eat it. i hate myself because of it and want to make myself pay for it and not eat and $H but i don’t want people to think i’m just doing it for attention. and i don’t want to eat anymore because my stomach isn’t flat and all of my friends have ABS and they always say “i’m so bloated” and “i’m so pregnant right now” and i always tell them they’re not and i go home and stare at myself in the mirror and i just want to make myself pay for how ugly i am and my body is i don’t know if i binge eat, but i don’t want to self diagnose. i also feel like i can’t talk to anyone about it because i don’t want them to worry about me and think i’m doing it for attention and stuff. whenever it’s night i eat SO much and i try to make myself not do it but it always ends up happening and i hate it so so much and i don’t know if i should tell anyone about it.

For years now I’m struggled with a problem regarding my love life. I’m a simp at heart and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love finding someone to simp over and going through the talking stage and getting to know them better and even the excitement before getting to see them in person or around school. It’s exhilarating and I love the way my heart races or when I smile at their texts. I’m a hopeless romantic not because I’ve experienced much in real life but because my passion is reading romance novels. I read 2 to 5 full length romance books a week and I love it. My issue is that the second I discover or even feel like the person I’m simping over likes me back, I get crippling anxiety and I ghost them or friend zone them. Obviously when I simp over these guys a relationship is what I want because I desperately crave falling in love but when they tell me they like me back or ask me on a date or even act like they’re interested back I get severe panic attacks and sometimes they get so bad I get physically ill. I crave physical touch but I’m fucking terrified of it and I don’t know how to help myself or find the route of this issue. I’ve been going to therapy for like 6+ months and not even my therapist can figure it out. I’m 18 and I’ve never had my first kiss, gone on a date, or even really done much more than holding hands with a guy and even then I panic. It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered the possibility that I’m asexual or something like that. I guess I’m looking for advice or even seeing if anyone has ever had this problem and how they dealt with it because I’m fed up with it and I really just want to experience love or even just be physical with someone without the dread. People that I’ve confided in about this in past have just told me “it’s normal! It’s just nervousness!!” But I’ve been Nervous before and this just isn’t the same

• July 29, 2023