Around Christmas last year 2021 I believe it was around 11 at night and I wake up to hey(my dads name) there are cops looking for( my brothers name). We go downstairs to grab him and he has no idea what is happening. When I came our of my room there was about 8 or 9 police officers in my hallway and living room. I have no idea what going on. The cop came to us and said someone called saying(my brothers name) tried to kill himself with these pills. There was at least 10-15 cop cars outside my house and an ambulance. The took him to the hospital and he had to stay there overnight for observation. He all said it was a lie till we got into a fight and had to bring up that he did. Now I constantly have anxiety and always feel like something bad is gonna happen. Point of this is to say you never know what is going on inside someone head.

I hold back from venting a lot because of this one incident. It was once but it was hard on me especially because it involves a subject I don’t really like talking about. I was about 12. I have a bad relationship with my parents but mostly my dad. And at that time it was at its highest. I had held it in so I wouldn’t blow up on my dad. I explained my situation to people on discord. I know its not much of a reliable source but I was on panic mode. And what they said had mostly matched so I just went with that. I had told them I’d be back. I talked to my dad. Nothing. It was all the same between me and him. I went back to the two people who were helping me and you know what they did? They ignored me. They went on and had their own conversation. I was so angry that I left the server. I’m 13 now I make sure the people who vented to me never got ignored and I made sure to get to them if I accidentally missed it. But I’ve always been scared to vent from that point I thought I’d get ignored or they’d say “same”. Or even think they would say its too much. Even if I got their consent to vent I still think that. Even to people I know I can trust like my best friends, boyfriend, etc. I’m usually a person who holds onto past mistakes and I’m constantly bullying myself. And because of that I have mood swings sometimes and I just need to vent but its so constant so I feel like I need to hold onto it and say that I’m fine when really I’m not. I’m not fine. I’m constantly thinking about different things. Sometimes I think that if I disconnect from everyone and kms everything would be fine. The world would move on and that after my funeral no one would care anymore. The days are getting longer and the nights are getting shorter. Sometimes it feels like hell. I wish that I could climb a building really high. Not to jump off it but just so I can scream my pain out. I wish I knew how to open up to people about my problems. I always joke about it so people won’t find out anything. I just wish that my pain can leave and fade away.

• June 5, 2023