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What are your deepest secrets that you would like to share before you d.i.e?

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👯 Friendship

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i’m not really sure if i binge eat or anything but i don’t want to seem like i’m overreacting or self diagnosing so i’ve never told anyone about it. every night i get 3-5 things and eat them and i can’t not do it but i feel like it’s making me fat and i feel so sick after doing it. i want to stop but when it’s night time it’s too tempting, but i feel like no one will believe me and i don’t even know if i binge eating and i don’t want to make people annoyed by telling them about it. all of my friends have perfect bodies and they always say they’re “super bloated” and “so pregnant” and i compare myself to them and they have abs and PERFECT PERFECT bodies and say they’re fat and i tell them they’re not and i feel so guilty about eating at night and at lunch and in the morning but i can’t not and i feel like i shouldnt be and i want to stop eating entirely. i also feel guilty about telling someone about it because they won’t believe me because i eat every meal. i don’t know if i’m being unhealthy or not :(

August 6, 2023

I’m becoming the person that I told myself I would never become. I used to hate who I was and so I fixed myself, but now I’m falling back into my old habits. I hate myself. I really hate my personality with a passion. Sometimes I think my friends do too but maybe I’m just imagining things. Sometimes I unconsciously self sabotage and drift from people because I think they’re drifting from me. I kinda just wanna go back to when I was at my peak and when I was happy and not annoying or didn’t worry if people hated me.

August 4, 2023

Sooo im currently suffering from an ED (bulmina to be exact) and my friends are supportive of me but at the same time they still make jokes about it. I always hear the “why eat if youll throw it up” “oh did you throw up already” “you cant even keep it down” etc. it doesnt bother me too much because alot of times they try to keep me seated and let me stomach the food down and have always asked me how my progress is. But at the same time, my best friend isnt the biggest eater, at least not infront of me. We would plan days to go out and eat and she always eats less than i do. I get really insecure and that prompts me to get rid of the food. She oftenly comments how little she eats or how shes not hungry. If yk anything about EDs, you should know that it’s extremely competitive. So everytime i hear that or smth similar, body body freezes up and i no longer eat or keep anything down for the day. I cant bring myself too. I feel like a pig everytime i hear “im not hungry” or “oh i only ate one thing today” or anything along the lines of that. Its not her fault for saying this or my friends to joke about it, we aren’t sentimental with each other and it weirds us all out when it does happen. I know they dont mean it and want the best for me, but the comments just drive my ED further and further. I cant go to my family, they make comments on my body regardless so the only people i have are them, but at this point idk if ill be okay.

July 31, 2023

I always feel like I have no friends. I have two friendsgroups but still I feel like it. I just started 8th grade last year, a new class and a new school, but still the same people. I got in class with 3 of my besties. Were were a group. But only one of them was like my real bestie. Then we met a girl from another school in our class and became friends with her too. But it was most my bestie that got friends with her, also one of the others in the group. My bestie and her started to hangout more often then I could hang out with her. Im jealous. And I know i am. Im jealous of the new girl that stealed my bestie. But she didnt steal her, my "old" bestie left me. But I still have the two other friends in the friend group. We 5 are still a group, but not so much. I also have this other friend group where one of the others from the other group is in too. We are 6 girls. Four of them was really a friend grouo, but then me and the other friend made it in the group. Or atleast I thought I did. (I walk with two of them to school) Today, both said they werent walking home, cause their going to the mall, but I didnt think they were going together. But when I found out all the 5 others in the grouo were going together, i got sad. It felt like they left me out. Im so bad at asking to join too. I feel like that would be disrespectful. I feel like everyone hates ne, and that im annoying to be around. Please help me, i litterly dont know if I can do it anymore.

July 27, 2023

My bf broke up with me right before Valentine’s Day saying that he likes another girl I found out who he likes and he has a crush on my bsf but I asked my best mate if she would date him and she said no but they are always talking and everything but I will always trust her but apparently he didn’t even like me and he was just dating me because he wanted a gf he didn’t even speak to me In the whole relationship I tried speaking to him but he wouldn’t even want to sit in the same table as me his name behind with a j and my bsfs name begins with a L what do I do!?!?

July 26, 2023

everyone brushes off my feelings and people don’t take time to ask me how i feel, even my best friends. and when i do things they criticize me and tell me i’m stupid or that it’s a bad decision. (for example) i was best friends with this guy and then we started dating, shortly after he left me for someone else. honestly i’m over the situation and it doesn’t even hurt anymore, i think because we were friends before, it’s just hard for me to still be upset about it. i really miss him and want to be his friend again (and he’s reached out to me) but my best friends won’t let that happen. like they have literally threatened me and him. they call him names and tell me i’m stupid. it really upsets me. i wish they could just support me with everything i do. i get that they want to help me and keep me from getting hurt, but i think it hurts more when they do that to me. i know this sounds dramatic but it’s a lot. they literally make me feel so stupid for missing him and make me feel stupid for every decision i make on my own. and it’s taken a while for me to become independent enough to even have my own thoughts. i just wish they could see it really bothers me.

July 21, 2023