I hate life. Genuinely. I don’t enjoy being here, I don’t have any passions or big life plans. I’m 24, I’m supposed to have it mostly figured out and I absolutely don’t. If I didn’t have such a close bond with my mom and siblings I would not be here. People have heard me say that ‘jokingly,’ but it’s no joke. I don’t have good enough friends to really influence the decision like my family does, and I know anyone else marginally involved in my life would be okay after a good 2-3 months. The thought of going another 5, or god forbid, 20 more years doing this over and over again is crushing. When my mom grows old and passes, I know I’ll be right behind her. I can’t not. I just don’t understand how people look at this world, and it’s state, and how we treat each other, our flora and fauna, everything…and feel any kind of optimism or excitement in living. I don’t get it and I don’t think I ever have.
I’ve been dating a really sweet guy for a few months now. He really loves me, and he’s very good to me, and I really thought I loved him and was attracted to him. The further into our relationship I get, the more I have to think about it. I feel like I could have a stable and happy relationship with him, but I’m not really attracted to him. He’s very nice, and there’s nothing wrong, I just don’t feel a spark or passion- there’s another guy I see at school, and I know it’s wrong, but he’s so attractive to me and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m happy with my boyfriend and he loves me, and I don’t think I’d be happy with the other guy at all. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend for continuing to be with him, but I think breaking up would break my heart and his. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be very attracted to him
Most people look at an 18 year old and think nothing. Whenever they look at me, an 18 y/o senior who's best friends with freshmen, they see a pedophile, predator and a creep. I love those freshman to death, they're my best friends. All my other friends my age are the problem, they call me those names, spread rumors that I'm doing things with the freshmen. There's nothing wrong with being friends, they look up to me as a big brother and parent figure because they have bad families. I say I'm mentoring and looking after them, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the best I can to protect and comfort these scared and skiddish people and I get nothing but hate in return for it. I'm scared to show them I care for them,, I'm scared to hug them due to the fear that things will get worse.. I try to not let it get to me but I can only take so much of it before it breaks me.
I’d been going down a bad path for while, my meds weren’t working, I thought it was me, that I jus couldn’t be happy. I’d lost most of my friends through rumors about the stuff I did. One of my kinda bitchy but close friend had jus had a rly bad breakup. Me and her ex always randomly had convos once in a while, but got started getting rly close because he was always there if I wanted to talk. I didn’t have any feelings for him, but he told me he did for me one night, and made i i t very clear that I could never do anything sexual with him because of my friend who was his ex at the time. I also didn’t want to. I got drunk one Friday after school. I told him about it and he came and picked me up because he said he was scared I was gonna try to drive or do something else crazy. He started to say things that made me feel very uncomfortable like “I’m so hard” or “I’m so horny rn” and it stated to really freak me out. I was also scared that if I went home I would get caught. I didn’t know what to do. He drove us to a parking lot and asked if I wanted to get in the backseat. I didn’t. But he kept asking me to. I was drunk, so I thought it would be funny to throw myself in the backseat. He followed. He never stopped saying uncomfortable things. “I wanna come” or “ u wanna make out rn” or “can you help me” I didn’t want to. But he kept asking. I thought he was going to take me home if I didn’t do anything. And I honestly was barley thinking. It was the first time I was drunk, I was more scared. But I kissed him anyway. I didn’t let him take my clothes off but that doesn’t mean he didn’t use me or touch me. I never wanted him to. When I was sober, I thought it was all my fault, my brother convinced me that I might’ve been sexually assaulted. I haven’t told my parents, but the whole school knows. Some don’t believe me, some do. My friend believes her ex, told me that he would never do anything like that. I’m being constantly bullied by her. She posts on her private abt how bad of a person I am. It makes me seriously doubt myself. If I really know what happened, or if I just made it all up.
