I grew up with two best friends, one was a girl and the other a boy. I was slightly closer to the boy because he was more of a extrovert, like me. We shared secrets, hard moments, intimate moments.
He stopped talking to me for no reason at all and disappeared from my life on 2021. I have never told him, that during that year, i was actually planning my suicide step by step. That nice birthday card I gave to you? Telling you how much I loved you? That was a goodbye.
I was supposed to die on 23 of August. I drank a six pack of beers and smoked 2 joints, walked all the way to my house until the subway station and was meant to jump. Long story short, i was there for 3-4 hours just watching the trains and i just couldn't do it.
We recently started talking again on 2022 and I'm never gonna tell him the damage he made on my self esteem and ability to trust on other. If I would tell him now, after the whole thing kinda solved it out by itself, i fell like i would only be doing this to hurt him and he feels bad enough already. I'm taking the truth to the grave.
So once my sister (18) was gay. My family is really homophobic and me (female, 15 at the time) being the only close one with my sister, was the only one she told that she was gay(besides her friends and gf at the time). Since she was 18 and in the final months of her senior year in high school, she would have to move out soon - go to college, etc. well she really didn’t want to go to college and when my parents asked why, she said that it just wasn’t something she wanted to do. Well my parents were MAD. So instead of my parents reasoning with her, they kicked her out. Well since my sister wasn’t going to live with my parents and and she was an adult, she could do whatever she wanted. So she told our parents she was gay. They were calling her really mean words that I do not want to repeat, and at one point, my father said she would be better off dead than to like females. So that’s what she did. Exactly one week later, at 12:57 in the morning she called me. I was sleeping since it was a school night. She left me a 3 minute long voicemail and I didn’t see it until the morning I woke up around 6. She had killed herself.
I have a childhood best friend that I grew up with, she’s like a sister to me. And we’re still friends but ever time I see her I have to keep telling myself not to tell her that I was rapped and sexually assaulted for years starting when I was five or six, up until I was 13 or 14 by someone very close to her, her cousin. Every time I went to her house, or had a sleep over after he started doing it, I became afraid. He would do things to me ever chance he got. I thought it would stop after he got a girlfriend but it just got worse. The day she moved out I was happy because that part of the pain would finally go away. But every time I see him now I still want to strangle him, and make him pay for what he did. Having an urge to not just yell and scream and at him. Or even murder him. But in the end even now he gave me trust issues and more metal, physical, and emotional problems then I can count. And even when so many other people have rapped and assaulted, and done so many other things to me. His is still the one that affects he the most. And I don’t know if that’s because no one knows about any of it, if it’s because his lasted the longest, or if it’s because I’m still friends with a person who knows him and his family with him.
