So, this is more asking for advice..Ive never felt this way with anyone before and last year i basically met a guy and we instantly got along. We were rlly toxic in the beginning, to sum it up i found out he liked me, weekend comes along, he starts ghosting me, and i find out heās going out w a girl? Anyway after they broke up, we became friends again and he started coming over to my house to cuddle. We didnāt date but we spent every passing period together and almost every other day at my house. Somehow i made him moan one time, and after that it escalated and whatnot .
When he talked down about himself i would smack him with the back of my hand, which how i grew up just was tough love. He didnāt like it, so i stopped for a week or two but i didnt realize i started it back up. At the same time, one of his friends made me pretty uncomfortable, pressuring me into going to the gym with him, and started talking about how he can eat ass?? Anyway i got my best friend to lay on my shoulder and hug in front of the dude, and he backed off.
I was out of school after winter break cuz of covid, and i found out while skiing that my best friend tried to khs after downing 3/4 vodka bottle and then his mom came in and yelled at him about the vodka, which he was planning on keeping from me. I got mega pissed and sad, and i basically dumped it out on him. He felt even more worse, but the days after were as usual as they could possibly be. I come back to school, and then he leaves me for the dude who made me uncomfortable.
He hates me now.
He realized how shitty i am, but never told me i was hurting him. I didnāt know i was living on chances, or that i was even doing anything wrong. He wonāt even let me try again.
At the same time iām getting so many mixed signals. Heās wearing the hoodie i got him, keeping a seal plushie i said i would only give to the best friend that would stay with me always, and after i left him alone for a few days he was begging to talk to me to see what was wrong. āi never thought about how it would affect youā, is what he said.
And even now, i really really just want him back in my life.
sorry if itās long, but to understand a bit better, youād need the backstory :/
and i needed to rant lol
I blame myself for three deaths.. My grandmothers was most recent, January 20th. If I never called 911 in December and I just helped her up instead then she would be here. She fell and I could have gotten her up but I just didnāt feel like it and I regret that so much. She fell and broke her neck at the hospital and she was alive for a few days. I was supposed to see her the 20th but she passed at midnight. If I didnāt call she wouldnāt have broken her neck.. I would still have her. Next is my grandfather, last May. He got his covid vaccine while he was sick and he didnāt listen to us when we said to wait. The next day we were going to an amusement park and he almost got in a car wreck. We stopped in a parking lot and he took a nap. We couldnāt get him to fully wake up so we thought it was his sugar, I knew I needed to call 911 for him but I didnāt cause they said not to. If I called sooner he would be here with me and I know he would. I got to hold his hand goodbye atleast. And the third, in 2019 I lost my fake grandmother, sheās their bestfriend, I knew she was dying and her last few words was to take care of me and my brother. She loved us so much and instead of seeing her that day I said āIāll see her tomorrow, she will be hereā I chose video games over her. She passed 10 minutes after I said that. Iām only 16 and I blame myself for it all, not calling 911 in time, regretting to see her, and maybe I never should have called. I just want closure, something that can fix all of this. But one thing I do know, I wish I spent a lot more time with them, itās so hard now without all of them and I just hope whoever reads this will spend time with their loved ones a lot more.
