HSR Stories

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July 30, 2023
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I’m an only child. I lost a sister that I never met. Recently my mom told me that if she was alive, I wouldn’t be here. I was already having problems with myself being alive. I told her later how alone I felt sometimes. She looked at me and said “you are alone”. I broke down. I imagine sometimes, how my parents would react if that was the last thing they said to me. Im getting help. But sometimes. I do feel alone.

March 7, 2023

One time when I was 8 my brother who is normally really mean to me was started to behave to nice to me. He wanted to hug me and made me feel loved. I was excited because he didn't do this because at the time he was 12 and "too cool to be seen with me". My mom would often go out for hours leaving us home alone. Which is when my brother would sit super close to me and put his hand next to my thighs. One day he told me we wanted to show me something and showed me porn. He said he hoped to gain a relationship like that one day. He then turned to me and touched my leg and said "That's what real siblings do". Luckily my mom came home before anything happen. But then next time she left he asked me to do him a favor and masturbate. Being 8 he told me what it was because I didn't know. And told me to try it in the bathroom. So i went and I didn't do it but told him I did. He then got curious and asked how it felt. When i denied his question he proceeded to touch me and even at one point got aggressive and even ripped off my shirt. He then tried to touch me there and even "lick it". But then my mom came home. He did this often until the summer was over. Eventually he gave up trying and tried to pay me to do things. He was only nice to me when he wanted sexual things. And to this day im scared of him when hes "nice." Im too scared to tell my mom because its been years and I realized what he did was wrong to late. Im worried my mom wont believe me because i waited so long and because my brother is "the golden child". The only good thing about all of this is I live with another family member (not my mom) and so does my brother so I rarely see him. Thankfully.

March 7, 2023

There was someone in my life in which I had loved dearly. The problem with that though is the fact that we didn’t talk as much as I wanted us to. Me and him were very flirty with each other and I was aware of his at home problems with his abusive parents. But, I had met someone else who I thought cared about me- me and the previous guy didn’t talk much anymore. I should’ve realized the previous guy was isolating himself, but I didn’t. I had stopped him from hurting himself/or worse like a week before everything happened. Then one morning, I woke up earlier than I normally would have and I saw a message from him telling me he said goodbye and that he loved me (not gonna say it all because it’s private). I started panicking thinking that he actually did it, and I tried calling his friends and I didn’t have contact with any of his family. No one answered me so I continued on with my day trying not to panic more. I was hanging out with a friend when I got a call from one of his friends. I was told what happened and how it happened - he shot himself and his younger brother found him. I started sobbing in front of my friend (who I was with currently at the time) and she held me even though she didn’t hear what had happened. 5 days later I tried killing myself and I came back and the other guy who I was talking to left me. And I probably deserved it. I feel so much guilt and I blame myself because I could’ve done so much more to prevent it. His friends don’t blame me but I do, and I know the hurt they feel.

March 7, 2023

I piss in the shower :( one time, I needed to pee, so I pissed in the shower. I feel so guilty and don't think I can live with myself. It has become a serious addiction that has continued for several years, leaving yellow stains on the shower. I need to know if I should seek a therapist to break this addiction, as I fear it is tearing my entire life apart. #showerstains #sad #speakingfromtheheart

March 6, 2023

I wrote this letter to my ex who passed away while we we're dating when I was 18 and I wrote this last year. I'm doing a little better now but it's still hard. My therapist told me to write a letter to help with the PTSD and trauma and show it to someone. I've been too scared to show it to anyone until right now. Dear Alexis, Ever since you have been gone everything has been horrid for me. You left me here alone with no support and I think about you everyday…. I hate what you did…. I hate that I walked in on you dead…. The pain I felt was immeasurable… i have never cried like that before…. To see you bloody… lifeless… with the hunting knife i gave you loosely gripped in your hand…. Bloody… your neck… oh god your neck….. I immediately dropped down to the floor, crying…. I kept yelling, “please don’t leave me” with no avail…. I miss you more than everything…. I wish i knew why you left me….. That eats me away inside…. I thought about ending it everyday until last year to be with you again….. That night haunts me every day and i can’t sleep cause of that night…. The note you left I still have with me with the words "Crossing Over" referencing your fav song by 5FDP written on it…. The words still echo in my mind.. I know you want me to be happy but for the last 3 years i couldn't be happy without you… My parents hate me…. I decided to get close to a girl who ended up breaking my heart…. I love you more than anything and would do anything to bring you back…. Do you remember going to Kayak Point and cuddling to a nice warm fire watching the tide and the night sky? Do you remember when you slipped and i tried to catch your fall and i fell too? That shit had us IN TEARS… i still remember our first kiss, our first hug, our first intimate moment… i haven’t been the same since you left… I’ve been broken.. Like more broken than you could ever imagine...I haven’t been able to think straight… i haven’t been able to keep a job… i move too fast in relationships cause idfk what to do… i don’t know how to talk with people anymore…. I subconsciously push people away cause i’m afraid I’ll actually find someone to replace you….. I dont know what to do anymore Alexis….. I’m completely out of options…. I was gonna propose to you the night you died…. Bet you didn’t know that… I was gonna propose right when midnight hit on new years, watching the fireworks… cause of what you did i’ve been afraid to love….. I remember your last words to me… “i love you more than anything Blake, I hope you never forget that.” i didn’t say anything back….. Maybe thats what has been killing me these yearse… me not saying i love you back….i never told anyone that because i feel horrible…. I could’ve said it back but all i said was laugh and giggle a little and said goodbye because I was at work and hung up…. Little did i know you would end it all that night…..maybe thats why ive felt like shit the last 3 years…. Maybe i wish that i said i love you back and didn’t hang up the phone and kept talking to you’d still be here….. I’ve been a wreck ever since you left… i’ve been grasping at anything i can get my hands on to replace/forget you… maybe thats why i love Ryuko Matoi so much and why im obsessed with her…. I just fully realized while writing this that im using her as a replacement for you…. I relapsed the day after you died… and i only just became clean in October…. I want to relapse now but im forcing myself not to because you would want me clean….its fuckin hard… i’m in a rut… my parents hate me, Its like they dont care… they care more about my brother more than me…. nuff about them…. You were the last person to accept all of me and all my flaws… i wanna say thank you….. I went to the place we first kissed today at the edge of the dock at Kayak Point… I wanna say thank you for all the good memories… I wanna say that writing this has helped.. I still love you more than anything… Love your small little Italian… Blake.

March 6, 2023

i’m 15 years old, my mom constantly asks me what’s wrong but i don’t know how to answer nor express myself telling her i feel empty because it’s somewhat awkward and nerve racking to speak about my feelings i don’t wanna do therapy because that just feels like empty conversation and i can’t really talk to my friends about it because they have problems of their own and they’re around my age or younger usually when i go home i listen to music which is calming but most the time i sit there reflecting on myself wondering is there anything exciting thats gonna happen i don’t know when it started but i wasn’t always like this i used to be a happy kid but now i’m empty kinda, i don’t go places anymore i barely hangout with friends i don’t like going places because i’d rather stay alone

March 6, 2023

So I was on and off with a guy and he just was being too childish so I’m may of 2021 I decided well since he acting up that will be the end for us but then we kept on commutations from time to time as friends so today he asked to se e me and I said no cause I’m in a relationship (since November) and now he say he know my dude and he will send him our (xxx) lord knows if he do it I will end him . Btw what should I do

March 6, 2023

It’s not that I feel those “suicidal” thoughts, not exactly. But I feel like I don’t belong on this earth and like I’m fat and ugly and dumb. Being autistic is a major issue for my family and I’m treated like the outcast since nobody understands me. Pair that with me having no friends, no job (I’m applying everywhere and not hearing back)xl, always sad (I’m taking meds) and being on a 6-12 month wait list STILL for a therapist in my town. My coping skills don’t seem to help with any of these issues to make me feel better and I’m not sure how to cope. How do I get rid of these awful feelings?

March 6, 2023

just need to get this off my chest. been holding it in for too long. my best friend was murdered. she was killed by her fiancé. i think it was my fault. her fiancé was too insecure to let her be around other guys or have any friends. the day before she was killed i texted her asking if she wanted to catch up over coffee or something. she agreed but we had to do it secretly. the last thing she said to me was that he found out and was really mad about it. next day she was dead. i wish i had never texted her. it’s indirectly my fault she’s dead

March 6, 2023

Whenever I was younger I was abused a lot and so was my mom. After a while she could not take it anymore so she filed for a divorce and left. I had a lot of people come into my school to talk to me about who I wanted to live with. I remember one day before I went to school my dad said tell them that you want to live with me because your mom is the one that hurts you not me (I was 5 at the time so I had no idea that he was manipulating me). Whenever I got home from school my dad asked me what I said and I said exactly what you told me to say(because I was scared he would hurt me) and he said good. I had to live with my dad for 6 more years after that with abuse happening EVERY SINGLE DAY until I got out. I don’t tell a lot of people this because it hits close to home. So if you are scared to get out of a situation just do it don’t lie for your abuser get out as fast as you can and don’t look back ever!

March 6, 2023