Ok I still cry often about this! My parents divorced when I was 7. All I wanted was to be like my dad! My mom remarried about 2 years later. He had hard ass life but ended up making something of himself!! He never once stopped riding my ass, I was never good enough, I just thought I never measured up. I still only wanted my dad. SAD PART INCOMING!! My teacher had a day where parents could come in and eat lunch with there kids. My dad said he would try which ment no. My stepdad said he would be there! I being a complete dick head said no. Then my stepdad says how about I show up and if your dad comes I’ll leave. I gave some asshole answer I am sure. Well day came around my stepdad was right there!!! My dad 20 min late, my stepdad left and let me be with my dad. I know horrid right well it gets worse!! Fast forward 20 years my stepdad still riding my ass!! However we had great relationship by this time, I grew up and realized my dad was shit and My stepdad loved me and turned me into a man! I come home early from my job and no one was home but my body said something was wrong! Everyone has felt it. Well family friend called and get to hospital now! I arrive my mom said he’s gone! I just kinda sank and my friends all had my back! It went smooth as it could go. But my mom told me this!!! A few days after we buried him. She told me my dad the man that’s supposed to protect me!! Left my mom 20,000 in debit, never wanted us on his EVERYOTHER WEEKEND, wouldn’t help at all!! My Stepdad loved us so much he gave my mom 20,000 so we didn’t have to move!! Or leave school, or anything. I never knew that! I look back at the man I am today it was 100% all him. I never got to thank him or say goodbye! I cry all the time because I didn’t deserve his love and he doesn’t get to see how much of a success I am. I am a decorated police officer, married to a beautiful women! Abs own my own home without taking money from anyone! I just want to make him proud.
It’s nothing big, really, but the first 5-6 years of my life I don’t really remember, having a full and happy family that is. My parents got divorced when I was around 5-6 meaning I didn’t have much of a brain to remember stuff. I get kind of jealous of my brother sometimes because he actually got to live 15 years of his life with happy memories of everyone together. I barely remover having my brother in my life when I was younger, and I barely do now. It’s been about 7 years now since the divorce, I live with my mom, and see my dad twice a month, but I’ve not seen my brother in about a year in-a-half. I just wish I could’ve had a childhood with my mom, dad, and brother in it at the same time. :)
Like I said, nothing big, just wanted to get it off my chest.
my mother told me this morning in the car that losing a kid to suicide is the worst thing to ever happen to a parent. one part of me wanted to yell at her, not because she wasn't correct, but because she won't let me leave. i'm stuck here. my life has no meaning, i have to pretend like i'm a different person in front of my parents because they hate what i really am, not because they're awful people but because they're misguided. I can't change them, I can't leave, i can't make myself happy. if i leave, they'll hate themselves. they'll wonder what they did wrong. they'll be calling me over and over again but to no avail as i don't pick up the phone. the crippling guilt i'd feel over leaving is worse than me bottling everything up. if i stay, and make myself happy, they'll hate me. they'll hate me for what i am and who i love. i've heard how they talk about people like me, and i don't want them to talk about me like that. my only way out is suicide, and even when that inevitably happens i'll be breaking my family in half. people feeling sad for me isn't what i want. when i die i want people to be happy to know maybe i won't be absolutely utterly miserable in death. i want people to know i wouldn't hurt anymore. for me, suicide isn't a bad thing. it's my only way out.
Secret
No one wants to help me nor believe me but there was a boy in my seventh grade class that liked to pick on me. It was originally all normal middle school bullying for me at this point. We were doing a class project in English and him, my ex-friend, and myself were stuck in a group. Neither myself or the girl had a phone on had so M let us use his phone to google answers. Now, my definition of a toss is a light underhand movement and a throw is a strong overhand movement, keep that in mind. So M tells me to toss him his phone back and says he’ll catch it. So I do the underhand light toss, no surprise, he misses. The bottom left gets chipped and my stomach instantly dropped. He went into telling me he’ll sue me and so much more. So for our 15 minutes outdoors, I go to try and apologize to him, but he begins to yell at me. Then he proceeded to tell me to unalive myself, so that night I truly did try. Skip to 8th grade and he decided to sit next to me in chemistry class. He decided he wanted to play the game firetruck on me and even though I said the word and stop multiple times, he did not. He S@ed me in class and the teach watched and simply told him put his hands on the desk. Then he proceeded to tell me he was “just joking” about him saying that to me in seventh grade and went to put the blame on me right after.
can i hold your hand? can i play your guitar softly and sweetly, stamp it with my fingerprints? can i slip little love letters into your bag when your not looking, give you little pieces of my heart when you least expect it? can i swallow your words as they spill from your tongue, like honey, like rain? may i find six hundred excuses to touch your face, your hands, your shoulder? can i kiss those sweet lips until they turn to glass, no longer maluable against my teeth? can i make a home in your body, soft skin and unfathomable curves, beautiful boy, like sunlight against water, like sweetness and sharp beginnings? can i see your heart? can i keep it? can i keep it? can i keep it?
