i feel like this is ridiculous but i don’t know how to tell anyone. i was 5-6 years old and he was 12-13. i don’t remember how old my other cousin was. maybe he just didn’t know it was wrong? i mean im 13 now and i know it’s wrong, but those were different times. the 12-13 year old cousin at the time always told me to kiss him. me being an innocent six year old, i kissed him on the cheek like i did to the rest of my family. he told me to on the mouth, so i did because it was normal to for my mouth, but i was weirded out that he did it for quite a few seconds when my mom just gave me a quick peck. he would make me kiss him so i could do anything. then one time, he showed me this picture of a woman and a man in their undergarments on a bed and asked me if i wanted to do that. i didn’t know what it was but i said no because i said i would get in trouble. if i said yes, who knew what could have happened. sure, he was twelve at the time, and this was like seven years ago, but maybe they never taught him that it was wrong? idk, but then i had this other cousin, and he knew i kissed my mom on the lips, and if i wanted anything, he would tell me i have to give him a kiss first. i didn’t know it was wrong. i didn’t know pushing him onto a bed was sexual and i thought everyone was laughing cause i was a strong six year old. my mom still has never found out, i would have told her if i knew this was sexual or something dangerous. but i didn’t know it was or would have thought it was since it was my family and i didn’t think my own family would do something like that. am I overreacting? and if im not, how would i even tell her?
I’m currently 18 but so far in life Iv been touched by 3 different guys, been sexually harassed by male friends, family, and even my guy best friend. Struggled to find the will to live, been bullied, family trauma with deaths, family splitting apart, losing friends, family beating eachother with either bare hands or weapons, constantly on edge thinking I’ll be taken advantage of, beating or killed, having mom instincts in order to protect my 12 yr old brother from this world because ours was never around an was the one person who started my anxiety, trust issues, depression, trauma and much more. Growing up I never believed I would’ve made it to 18. Everyday I think about stepping into the road, “falling” into water an never rising up for air, to overdose. But I’m here. An each time I told myself no, I’ll stay even if it means drowning in my own mind from the minute I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Even in sleep I can’t escape fear, now my goal is to make it to 30..life’s a bitch an I struggle everyday, to push myself to even have enough strength to get out of bed an start my day with a smile. Because now my mission in life is to protect my brother from this world, to not let life knock him down the way it did me. I’ll be the support he needs that I never received.
