My bio mom always choose people who would physically hurt her, and use illegal substances,I been hit growing up, and afterwards, she told me she loved me and when I started dating, I did the same thing as her, choose guys who would hurt me, but I did it for a different reason, I did it because I was looking for someone to love me (I never really had that in my childhood) and she did it for the substances, but because of what I learned from her, I went to only the bad guys... I'm now 18 almost 19 with a 34 year old, I'm really happy for the 1st time, and he says he is too, but when I mentioned to him I'd be okay with him hitting me a few times, I'd rather him hit me when he's mad than to leave or anything else, he gets upset and tells me abuse isn't love... but is it abuse if I'm okay with it?? Like, i don't want it, but I'm ok with it, It's nothing I haven't been through before... I don't get attached often, but when I do, it's gets bad and I'll do anything for them, including let him hit me, I know it makes him upset when I talk about it, but I don't understand, this is my longest steady relationship, and I don't want to ruin it, but I'm not sure what to do, this is what I'm used to, and I'm trying to unlearn it, and I need advice
when i was around 8-9 my sister was 10-11, she introduced me to porn. more lesbian porn though, she then forced me to do it with her, me being a child i did it cause i looked up to my sister. but when i told her to stop she wouldn’t, when i’d beg her to stop she’d kick my pussy and stick her toe inside and left it damaged a bit. while i was being harassed, my parents became more verbally abusive with me and would say really mean things such as: i wish i killed you as a baby, i wish you were never born, you’re useless, no one will ever love you etc.
and while that was happening, i was being bullied at school by ex best friend because i’m more on the chubby side. i only had my pet hamster to comfort me until he passed away the same year those things happened. my mom didn’t let me cry but i always cried myself to sleep and cried at school without anyone noticing. i attempted suicide multiple times during that same year but no luck. my sister and i are 14 and 16, my sister now does drugs, drinks alcohol, etc. and she tried to have sex in front of my younger brother, he’s only 1. after that i became the babysitter but i feel like my mom is taking advantage of that. i’m failing school because i spend most of my hours babysitting, and i don’t stop until 7-8pm. on school nights my parents go to the casino and don’t come until 12am. they use the excuse that they need to have fun but i barely have fun no matter how hard i work :(
i feel like i was born to only be the babysitter, or the stand in mom. i hate it because i’m failing high school because of my parents. i don’t know what to do. i’m tired :(
*TW* I was 12 when I first hurt myself, I was 13 the first time T (that's what I'm gonna call him) first touched me, I would be in my locker getting something and my hands would be busy, he would come up to me and grab and squeeze my a$$ and b00bs when I would go to push him away we would just walk away, this became a daily thing, he would find me in the halls or outside and put his arm around my waist and shoulders when I would try and walk away he would grab me by the hair, my current " boyfriend" at the time would get mad and push me, we will call him J, he would blame me and push me to the floor and say he could have any other girl he wanted and those other girls he could be with would actually give him some pu$$y. Eventually , J moved and T left me alone because he started dating my best friend at the time, she found out I had hurt myself and made me swear I wouldn't do it again, so I didn't, she then ghosted me. I eventually started dating this guy C, whom I thought was a good person until he started leaving marks and bruising on my arms from squeezing them so hard, I left him after a while as well, I was 14 when I tried to hurt myself again, actually tried, wrote notes and everything, but my family thought that was the first and last time I had ever tried, my dads reaction was him guilt tripping me, lecturing me, accusing me of wanting attention, told me what I did was horrible and I was horrible for doing it, he thought he had "fixed" me by saying that, the next day he made a joke saying " oh I'll put her on birth control, to help with the hormones, because that's all this is" I hadn't hurt myself since because I don't want to hurt other people, I'm currently losing my best friend because I spoke my mind about the self harm jokes she makes and her response was, " its none of your fu¢k!ng business ", I'm now 15 in high school, I don't like being touched, even if its just a hug but I try, and I'm holding on for dear life trying to find a reason to stick around.
