Last year around June I got with someone. He made me feel ways i never felt before. He made me feel special, he was nice. All of that. He started asking me to do uncomfortable things and whenever I'd say no, he'd 'go to bed' or have other things to do. So in the morning end i always ended up doing what he wanted. I don't know why i stayed, but i felt an attraction still, i think it was just my attachment issues. fast forward to around August, i found out he was cheating on me with 2 other females. Yet, i still stayed. i wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to love me. I wanted HIM. yet, whenever he had to choose, he chose one of the other girls, so i decided to try and just be friends with him. it was hard. then him and her got into a fight and stopped talking. so i was like "hey, maybe he'll give me a chance!" but no, he chose THE OTHER GIRL. the girl started drama so they broke up. then he finally started giving me attention. but not as much as he did when we did date. he said he finally wanted to try and be with me, i was so happy. we were together for less than a day before he said he couldn't date me until he got things fixed. of course me being the dumbass i am, i said "that's fine" when truly i was already dying inside. i broke down that night, like previous nights. "was i not good enough" "am i really that unattractive" he barely gives me attention, but for some reason i still want to be with him. i don't talk to him hardly anymore, yet i still can't get over him. when he DOES text me i feel so happy, I'd drop everything for this man. i have other people who like me, that give me attention; yet this dude who barely does anything for me. the man who gaslighted me. i still want him. it's gotten to the point i end up blowing up on my friends because i get so agitated and my friends have no idea as to why. i can't tell them. im pathetic.
When I was in 6th grade I posted something on my story saying "what would you do if I died" a lot of my friends responded. Around 2 or 3 years later I had a mental break down one night, I tried to off myself but couldn't thinking about how many people It would hurt but I realize nobody would even care, and I was made to believe people actually cared about me. I had told my friends how I felt and they seemed to be worried at first but didn't even care after the next Dayton, i told them if we could go out and they agreed then canceled on me for random excuses, I told them I really needed this day to be free from my family and school ive been stressing so much on, i ended up going by myself. Then few days later my friend said he wouldn't care if something bad happened to me. I didn't listen but I've been having such a hard time the past 2 years I don't think I can handle much, im so close but I don't want to leave my family, im scared to hurt them, im scared to be gone forever and not enjoy my youth, society really has ruined me a lot, I just want to be happy.
