i hope that the future gets better, even though i don’t think it’s going to. the world is full of so much hate, and it bothers me so much. people can be so cruel and heartless, to each other, and to the creatures around them. i wish i could do something to make people happier, to help people who don’t have a lot. i wish people would stop killing other people, and i wish people who are sad, could be happy again. i want to make a difference in someone’s life even if it’s super small. people in the world are so mean to each other, and it gets worse every single day. sometimes i cant even be on my phone, or be around others because some of the things i see and hear makes me sick. many people say “ well that’s how it is, get used to it “ but that’s the thing, we shouldn’t have to get used to it, and it shouldn’t be this way. to be honest i don’t even know how to explain in words the way i feel about the world around us today. all i can really say is that it makes me want to cry and never stop, and the more i think about it, the more i wish i could disappear and go somewhere other than here.
i had a friend of mine, we met at the start of a school year and he was so kind, i really trusted him and felt like we were nothing but good friends. as a couple of months went by we got very comfortable with a lot of things such as making sexual jokes and insulting eachother as a joke ofc. one day we had detention in our history class, our history clas was an old art room and was near the oval where u could see if anyone was coming, it was just me and him after a few kids left. he moved next to me after the teacher went to the staff room which was across the school (we werent as horrible kids so trusted us) anyways he sat next to me and started to make those typa jokes, at first i just laughed but then it got way to out of hand like “omg youd be so good in bed” and other really weird stuff, i just chuckled it away and then he asked if i could touch his yk obviously i said no since i viewed our relationship as nothing but friends, he kept begging me saying if i didnt hed cüt himself, he then asked if it was ok if i touch his leg and i think if thats gonna make him stfu then i masewell but no, he grabbed my arm and literally led it to his yk, it took me 2 seconds to catch on but when i did i tried pulling away, he then said if i had tried pulling away hed tell everyone all my secrets and ill be fr i trusted him so i told him everything, as he grabbed my hand all i could do was just take a deep breath and except whats about to happen. i didnt want any of it. as he put my hand on his yk he had a boner, it was the most traumatic experience i’ve ever had, but it doesnt finish. a few days ago his friend did the same thing, ive never had a good feeling abouy him but this is what happened, our sport teacher had asked us to grab the equipment from his office as we walked there he was veryy close, once we got into the office he kinda touched my hips very weirdly and sexually i swore at him and asked him what the fuck hes doing and he just said no nothing its fine and while we were looking for the rackets he put his hand on my thigh as we were standing andd moved his hand upwards and it was uncomfortable, i told him multiple of times that i didnt like it but he wouldny listen, then another time (the same day) during a mini test me and him were at the back he sat next to me (seating plans) he put his hand on my lap and moved it inwards to my inner thigh i tried telling him to stop but he wouldnt. im only 13.
A few things:
1. I wish I told him I loved him, but it’s okay, he looks happier now. Someone was able to give him, to show him, and to reciprocate the love he had to offer, and I wasn’t brave enough to be that someone. But it’s okay, at least I was able to be a chapter in her life, right?
2. I wish I was more open about my feelings to my parents, but that’s okay, at least what I’m doing right now is making them happy and proud.
3. I wish that I could’ve send yes to every girls night out with my friends, but it’s okay, it wasn’t like my absence greatly affected their nights.
But it’s getting tiring. Why can’t I be selfish for once? Is it too much to ask for to be a person’s whole book, not just their chapter? Is it too much to ask for to be careless? But how can I? Since day 1, everybody’s eyes were on me.
Then 1 wish, just 1, that’s enough for me.
I wish I could stop invalidating my own feelings.
