HSR Stories

TW// rape// assault// attempt of suicide// sh. Back just a little bit after I had turned 6 we moved into my new home. I’m a sibling out of 6 other siblings. I have 4 older and 2 younger. The oldest of all of us growing up was very aggressive verbally and physically abusive. One day he asked me to play a game with him so seeing him he kind for the first time seemed amazing to me. After we got to play every game I wanted to it was time for his “game”. That morning he raped me and continued on to rape me every day for the next 2 years. Once when I had finally gained the strength to tell him no more it felt like death to me. He said I didn’t love him anymore and that if I spoke a word he would harm me. By age 10 I was self harming and had suicidal thoughts and by 12 I had finally told my mother what had happened. I didn’t even know what sex was until I ca,d across a video finding out that what he had did to me was wrong. As a little girl I always had bleeding UTIs and other infections. By age 13 he had been brought to court but I was kept out of it so he wouldn’t go to jail. Nobody cared nobody listened to me and nobody ever asked if I was okay, it was always about him. By 15 I had developed a serious addiction to self harm and started taking pills. I had also already had 4 suicide attempts that I don’t know how I survived. I was told to never tell anyone what had happened and when I showed any sort of signs of trauma I would be shamed and screamed at by my father. By 16 I was never home had several addictions and was attempting suicide everyday. I would take countless pills before bed in hopes to cure my pain and if not just not wake up in the morning because I just truly did not care. During 14/15 I was also in a abusive toxic relationship because I had no clue what true love meant. I would lay on the bathroom floor screaming at god or whoever created us to take me back because I couldn’t handle any of it anymore. Countless people knew what I was going through but didn’t care. I am now 17 just about to turn 18 and I’m proud to say I am just about to hit a year clean and sober! Nobody was there but me. This last year I’ve dug myself out of that hole and it was very scary. Everyday I want to relapse and the pain is still there but hey I’m here to. I have no idea how I’m still alive. With what I put my body through I should have some sort of issue but I don’t. I am also in a very healthy and loving relationship. I plan on getting a job soon and moving out, I haven’t talked to anybody nor share this information with anyone before because I grew up being to,d I just don’t matter. I struggle with basic human knowledge such as talking or holding conversations with others and lost countless childhood friends due to always being serious in conversations. I was in so much court business talking to cops and other investigations that at my young age I no longer knew what it was like to be a child. I am also proud to say I’ve become an auntie and I try my best to live my childhood through and with them. I promise life gets better and I thank the world everyday that I’m here.

• April 25, 2023