Not telling the person you love, that you love them. Yes, itās scary, but the regret the comes later is scarier. I missed so many chances, I missed so many chances to give myself happinesses, and Iām here, thinking about what my life couldāve been if I had just one ounce of braveness in me to confess my feelings to him. This boy, he was a typical work crush I had. But as time passed by, we grew closer and eventually became bestfriends, and yāknow it, I fell in love with him. Now I donāt know if it was the rejection or the reaction that scared me, but I chose to keep it to myself. Thinking that confessing would only harm the special bond I felt like we already had. Guess what? He just told me he had feelings for me during that time too. And he was scared of the same thing: rejection. But thatās all in the past now: heās getting married in about 2 months. And Iām okay, Iām, weāre completely over each other, itās been years.
But still, I wonder what wouldāve happened if we both took that risk.
shortly before my dad died (no more than 4 months before) i found a website he visited on his phone in his opened tabs on safari that was pictures of teenagers in bikinis. not the type of bikini pictures you see on insta where these girls are just having fun at the beach but rather pictures that gave me a very p0rn like vibe. i took a picture of this website using my phone and texted that picture to my mom. she saw it in the morning, briefly addressed it with me, and we barely spoke of it since. my dad never did anything to me in a sexual way but there were things he said that sometimes made me uncomfortable. like when i got a new pair of underwear or even a bra, i would try it on in the bathroom and my mom would ask me how it felt and if i was having trouble with the bras, sheād come in with my permission, help me quickly then leave. if my dad was near us, heād ask ājokinglyā to see the new underwear or bras that i got. i was anywhere from 11-13 when he was saying this stuff. the main issue about this situation was that my mom never asked me if i was okay. she never sat me down and let me tell her how i felt or anything like that. i was on edge for the next month because i didnāt want my dad snooping around me or watching me change or anything (even tho i never got the feeling that he did that before). the thing that really bothered me that this wasnāt the first time we caught him with this website on his phone. in fact, it was the third time. and i had found this website on his phone all three times. as a 14 year old CHILD, i was the one who sat my dad and mom down to talk about this situation. my mom had my back the entire time but like i said, she really didnāt put in a lot of effort into the situation. i asked my dad for his phone and he willingly gave it to me. i then checked his search history and he had deleted the website off his open tabs along with his search of the website. i wasnāt really mad about this because i already had proof and my mom saw it, i was mad about how he thought he could lie to my mom and say he didnāt do it after he was caught. he claimed he didnāt know how to even clear his search history but everything he searched before searching that website was gone, nothing after it. to this day we havenāt spoken a word about this situation. iāve told probably one or two people about this but never in this much detail. now that heās gone i miss him so much but i donāt know how to deal with the emotions i feel because of what he did.
when i was 8 my dad left, he moved right around the corner and lived there for about a year, he only saw me once (when my mum forced him to). eventually my mum and dad had a talk and decided for him to move back in cause things will be better and it will be better for me and my 3 siblings (iām the second youngest). so he moved back in and things were perfectly normal for about 1-2 months, after that, things went back to shit. he never fought with me, ever, he was to scared about me disliking him, (we were always the closest in my family, i was never that close with my mum).
one time when my mum was away for a 3 week trip (i was maybe 11-12) dad and i got into a massive argument about me not being alone to watch a tv and that i should be asking him if i can watch it and not my older brother. it was the most horrible experience, shouting, hitting, screaming, everything. i called him immature, a shitty dad, and all the most hurtful things i could think of, i donāt even know why it escalated so much, but it did.
over the years after that there was many for fights like these all varying in how extreme they were, i forget a lot of them but i will never forget that first major fight.
skipping a few years, iām now 16, i live in a different state, he doesnāt ever call, and i hate myself. he wonāt have anyone left soon cause he just kicked out my older brother, my other brother is in a different state and my other sister lives with me. iām terrified he will spiral into a deeper depression then he already is and kill himself.
i donāt know anymore.
