My brother just passed away. It was tragic, an accident. We were extremely close in age, so we were best friends. It was/is the worst thing i’ve ever been through. But what tears me apart is that i’m somehow happier than I was before he died. Not because of him, but because I hated myself before. I hated who I was and was miserable all of the time. Depressed, anxious, and just miserable. Now i’m happy, lively, I have drive and motivation which I never had before. I think it’s because the day he died, I died with him. That version of myself died because it crushed my entire soul and being. And because I hated her, i’m happy that she’s gone. I just hate that THIS was what got rid of her. It changed my life and made me better. I feel so guilty all the time for being happy, especially so soon after it happened. It tears me apart. I shouldn’t be so okay. I want him back more than anything, and I’d be that miserable version of myself forever if it meant he’d still be here.
