I've always been su1c1d@l and I want to die everyday. I'm not worth living if no one loves me, even they say they do, they are probably just faking it. My gf broke up with 2 months ago and I've gotten worse. And Ive been thinking and, who would wanna date me? I'm Fat, my hair is greasy, it's to short, my hips look stupid, my thighs r too big, I have too small eyes, my cheeks are big, etc. I used to sh but when I told someone they wanted to help but when I asked if they could not tell anyone they said they wouldn't unless it got bad. I stopped but they don't know that by saying that I'm just not gonna tell anyone next time it happens. My life is horrible, my grandparents also yell at me and say I look like a male and that I'm fat and etc. What's the point of living if Im just gonna suffer? Just today I had a panic attack in band, my friend got the teacher and he helped me but I still feel bad for taking up his/the classes time for me. I don't like talking about stuff like this most the time bc I feel attention seeking but I'm not. I can't tell anyone I'm depressed like this bc they probably won't believe me, I mean I am only 12 so who would believe me? I'm also way too sensitive, I cry when someone yells at me from past truma and flinch when someone raises their hand, I don't wanna see what it would be like to grow up bc it seems too hard. I want advice from people in the comments, how do I stop being su1c1d@l?
I feel really guilty about this and idk if I should
2 years ago my god father and his wife decided to adopt a baby. Idk if they couldn’t have one or just decided to. They posted a few Instagram photos with her and I go to FaceTime her a few times. My mom, whenever something’s wrong, she goes to her friends but she wanted to tell me something. She told me the baby died. But when I overheard, but she didn’t tell me, was that she had that in her birthday. She was guilty, and I know why. You know how when God takes or if he gives one back? She felt that for her to live that baby had to die. But I know that if that’s true I probably have something to do with it. I’m always complaining God about things that I’ve known to be true. Every day, every night, every time I would pray, I would say thank you for everything you’ve done for me because I know I could never live without a lot of things that you giving me like my mom. I said this every day, and I told God that I don’t know what I would do if I lost her. If that baby how to die for my mom to live, I did that because he knew I couldn’t do it. God doesn’t give us things we can handle, it says so in the Bible. I think God knew I couldn’t handle losing my mom…
One thing I regret and please don’t give me shit for but, I had been living with my aunt when I was around 16. For context, I was born into a very poor family, my mom had kicked me out and I was living with my aunt. My aunt had a two bedroom trailer so we shared a room, it was always dirty and I was still in high school. I had a laptop that I saved money for and bought (It was only 150 dollars it wasn’t extravagant.)
For Mother’s Day her sons didn’t get her anything and she was very sad. So I gave her my laptop as a gift, and told her that I loved her. My aunt was very sick (later found out she had cancer), she couldn’t really move a whole lot and needed care that her sons refused to give her. My cousins were on drugs and never home.
A few months later she let her sons wife kick me out of her house, and I told her to “give me my laptop back” i said it in the heat of the moment, and she started crying saying it was hers and I had gave it to her. I feel so guilty because she’s never really had nice things. And seeing her cry made me feel so horrible. I pushed aside my guilt and let my anger get the best of me. By the time I wanted to reach out to apologize, we found out she had passed away, alone. Nobody knew until days later. I wish she was still here so I can tell her I’m sorry and that I love her.
