I hate myself with every bone in my body. Nobody likes me at school, my friends all suck. I'll never be popular. I'm going no where. I'm afraid this is where my life will peak, and it isn't even that far up. I'm scared my life will all reflect off of this, that for the rest of my life everyone will think of the shy unpopular no friends girl and decide I wouldn't be a good friend. What if I'm stuck with this personality of mine for the rest of my life? What if I can never come out of my shell? What if my life amounts to absolutely nothing? I have big dreams, like to be a guitarist, artist, author, poet, environmentalist, but I don't think that'll happen. My dad wants me to go to college. My dad wants me to be a teacher and stay here in this little town and have a family. I want a family, but i want to travel. I dont want to have a sucky teaching job. I don't want to be stuck with someone or a job or even a life I hate. I'm scared. I'm terrified. It feels like my entire life is based off of what I decide to do right now and I just can't. I cant decide. I wanna stay young but I also want to have friends. I want to grow up and have a better life but at the same time I'm scared it'll be worst.
I looked up to someone as a dad. He sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me. He's gonna now, but it still really hurts. He also abused his two partners physically, emotionally, and sexually. He got one of them pregnant. It hurts, because he lied about being a trans male. He was a cis male.
But he would call me names, and kick me. He forced me to keep my mouth shut about everything. He threatened to beat me.
I relapsed and started cutting myself again. I feel like I failed my new mother and father figures I have.
I have a lot of parental figures, because I had a terrible childhood growing up. My dad had anger issues, and my mom was working a lot.
But back into what I was saying, I really saw this person as another dad, but he sexually abused me. I'm glad my new parental figures would never do that.
I attempted to take my own life, because of my old father figure. I had my friends help me get better, and my comfort characters help me get better. They're the only reason I'm still here and alive.
I hate my father, so much. The amount of emotional and mental stress and trauma he gave me…I tried killing myself some times now. I was 9 years old when i decided to cut I’m out my life when I’m older. I’m 14. I’m tired. So so tired. Nothing ever feels good enough for him. I miss being daddy’s little girl, I only remember being looked at with proud eyes from the father once. Every I love you I ever said was a lie besides the ones told to my pets.
I’ve never felt good enough for him. He’s made me cry so many times and each time I cried silently by myself. I have a notes filled with things he’s done. He’s punches holes into the wall, physically fought my mother twice, police had been called so many times on him, ran to my grandma’s place (his mom) and he yelled at her to give me and my siblings to him and ended up breaking the door and leaving….we went back. Every single time we go back.
he would threaten me and my siblings every time saying if we left he would beat us, knowing we had no choice but to go. He’s in prison/jail. And I don’t want him to get out. I would rather have no father at all in my life than have him as one. What hurts the most is that he loves me, I know he does but he doesn’t act like it. All the good moments we have make me feel so guilty for saying this but I can’t help it. He has caused me and my family so many problems.
I need help, I’m not safe. I’m only 14.
I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, I was also sexually assaulted by my grandmother’s BF, my mom’s mother. And don’t plan on every telling anyone.
