when i was about 6-7 years old, 1st grade, i had a friend who was like a sister to me, she was only a few months older than me. her and i would always do everything together. well one day i had invited her over to my house. we did the normal things 1st graders would do. well we were playing with barbie’s on my bed when she had asked me if i had gotten boobs yet. i cant remember exactly what i had said but i remember saying something along the lines of “no, i don’t think so.”she continued to ask me about my parts. she would ask me about my genitalia and if i had ever touched it. i said there was no point in doing so and we casually moved on. my parents had agreed to let us have a sleepover and sometime in the middle of the night we went out to the kitchen and i remember my friend checked my parents bedroom to see if they were asleep. my parents had always gone to bed quickly so i knew they would be. she grabbed my wrist before i could do anything in the kitchen and she pulled me back to my bedroom. once we were in my bedroom she pulled me back into the bed and put the covers over us. she then removed her shirt, and asked me to touch her. i felt uncomfortable but as confused i was, i decided to give in. i barely touched her and she started making a noise that i had never heard. i felt uncomfortable and tried to tell her we shouldn’t be doing this. she then continued to remove my clothing and started doing things to me, as much as i hated it, it’s hard to control your body. after a few minutes of being in the bed together, i got up and changed.
her and i are still best friends, of 12 years. it only crosses my mind sometimes, and i don’t blame her for it. we were just kids and she was curious. i came out as bisexual recently and i always feared that she believed it had something to do with her, she’s straight. i’ve always felt like i should bring it up, although it seems as if she’s forgotten, but i never know what will happen if i do bring it up. i don’t want to lose her as a friend.
i’ve been sexually abused my whole life. it started with a man my dad knew when i was 6. he just left me there with him, dropped me off, took my sister with him and left me. i lost everything that day, every kind of virginity, i didn’t even know what sex was, i didn’t utter a single word about it for a decade. next was my sister, i think it started when i was 7, i just wanted to be loved, wanted to make her happy, so i went along with it, until i was 14, when she left.
there were men in between, that passed through my fathers house.
then after my sister left i was lonely, suddenly i wasn’t needed like *that* and i felt worthless. so i went online, specifically kik, omeagle, and skype. i sent hundreds, if not thousands of videos and pictures to men of all ages.
i had always felt disgusting but this kicked it up a notch.
i stopped when i got a boyfriend at 16. he didn’t rape me until i was 17. while i was too drunk to even move, lying on my stomach, he couldn’t have known if i was even conscious.
we were on and off for the next five years. and he just kept doing it, whether we were together or not. while he thought i was asleep, or drunk, or just didn’t care. he’s the only person i’ve ever confronted about it, because i guess in some way i had felt some kind of safe with him. but he denied it.
there were others through the years, but it’s been at least a year now since the last time.
last year i was in a relationship with a really great guy, and it didn’t end great, we’re not that close anymore and i’m heartbroken - but he never raped me. for the first time i didn’t feel like my worth was rooted in my sexuality.
now i’m single, and it’s been a month since i’ve last had sex, that’s the longest i’ve ever gone. i hope i keep it up, i’ve given and had my body taken by so many people, for this year at least i want my body to be my own.
