Almost 2 years ago I had a yorkshire (a breed of small dog) that I didn't spend too much time with because I didn't feel like playing with it or going for walks. the only times I spent with him were when I came to pet him but his moments were rare because he was protective, so he would bite when approached. I often wondered why he had to be naughty and wished I had another kinder dog. On September 24, 2020 I was talking with my friends that I would like a nicer dog that I wouldn't be afraid to pick up or pet. in the evening when my mother came to pick me up with my father (which had never happened before) at first she told me that he had an appointment but a few minutes after I left my mother told me that Rubis (my dog) was dead. the only thing i said trying to hold back my tears was "that's a bad joke" is that i realized he really was dead. he was only 2 and a half years old. arrived home I took it one last time. it was the first time in a long time that I was not afraid to take it. He died after being hit by a car. he kicked his collar and the collar came off. all evening I replayed in my head the words that I had said several times to my mother during the last months '' you have to buy Ruby a new collar when he gives a big blow his collar comes off, one day that will arrive and he will be run over by a car'' Two months later my mother bought another yorkshire, he is nice but seeing him with the behavior that I wanted from Rubis, I tell myself that all he he needed to change it was to have more fun with him, go for a walk, play with him. Since then, every time it snows I go to clear the snow where he is buried, I never pass the mower over his body, I still haven't had the courage to build a small cross and that for 2 years. I regret every time I didn't spend with him because I prefer watching videos and playing games. I keep telling myself it's just a dog. but since he left, everything has changed. I miss every moment with him, when he rolled around on the carpets after his bath, when he lay on our bags, when he took out the peanut butter treats the last one gave him and we had been gone for at least 1 month. Every time I think of him I feel guilty for not giving him more attention, even though he is a breed of dog that tends to run away to expend energy running or hunting animals. I always feel like it's my fault he was like that.
When I was 15 or 16, my brother was graduating highschool. Because of this, my entire family came. My mom and dad got divorce a long time ago, so I was nice to actually see my dad for once. For the graduation, I decided to wear my favorite blue dress. It fit me perfectly and went with my hair amazingly. After the ceremony, the family decided to take a picture together. My mom got on one side of my brother and my dad on the other. I wanted to be next to my dad, so I did. Just as the picture was being taken, my dad groped my butt, full on. When I tried to slap his hand away, because I knew that’s not a thing he should be doing, he told ME to stop. He then told me the dress fit nicely and that I should wear it more often, and that he liked my long hair along with it.
Eventually, I cut my hair super short, and now that dress is in the back corner of my closet, and I haven’t touched it since. I also cut off all communication with my dad, I don’t even know if he’s still alive, and as bad as it sounds, I don’t care if he is or not.
Is it okay I feel this way?
