When I was a sophomore in highschool I drank a lot and harmed myself in anyway to feel alive, during that time my brother was the only one that has been there for me ever since I was 12, he was the first one to know about my selfharm and alcoholism. So thatās why it hurts to know he saād me, not once, twice, or three times but more, more than I think I will ever know. I was 9 when I woke up to my cousin touching me under my pants, 14 when I woke up from talking in my sleep to my brother sitting up beside me with his hand on my crotch, I was barely awake I doubt he knows I was awake but I was too disoriented to move and it happened so fast, he just laughed as he touched me through my clothes and suddenly my dad walks in and he throws me like a rag doll and pretends to sleep idek if I dreamt it but it makes me wonder how many more times it had happened without me knowing. After that I tried to move on but as mentioned earlier during summer of sophomore year I drank a lot and on one night I got black out drunk with my brother thinking I could trust himā¦ most of the night is a blur but I can still feel his hands and mouth on my breast, how hard he felt under me, how he tried to force me to give him head, and after trying to pretend like any of that never happened some time passed and we were watching a movie in his room when he began cuddling me and touching me, I had become used to the abuse so I became numb and frozen like I have before, I remember how he ripped off my pants and tried to force himself inside, it hurt so bad is all I remember, why and how could he is all I thought, but he gave up on penetrating because I was too tight and fighting against it, I kept saying it hurts please but he wouldnāt stop until he got tired of trying to force it and then he threw my pants at me and told me to get dressed. Itās been 4-5 years but I still feel dirty and I just wonder why he had to do that to me, now we just pretend nothing happened and he tries to get close but to this day Iāll never be able to trust anybody else because of the amount of trauma Iāve endured at home.
