i dont know who i am anymore. i don't know my favorite color, my favorite song, my favorite anything. i don't know why i dyed my hair that one time. i don't know why i did this or did that, i don't know anything and its scary, i make up a person every time i meet someone new i tell them different things, i act a different way, i dress a different way, i change myself completely on accident. i always lie and i cant stop, whenever a conversation dies i pick it back up with a made up story or a random lie about myself that i don't even remember thinking of. everything's a mess, i don't know what to label myself, whenever i do it changes and im just too scared to tell anyone because im afraid they'll hate me. i just want to enjoy life but i know that no matter what it will be like this. i tried running away, i tried going mute, i tried to restart so many times and it never works. i just want to be free, to be happy, to not have to lie, to be liked, to enjoy being put on this planet. i want to be something. i even almost lied about what i'd write on here because i thought this wasn't good enough. i know there are people out there that are the same way, but they'll never tell, and you'll never know who's real, who's fake, who doesn't even know what or who they are, etc. i just want everyone to know that it's okay to lie, to feel bad, to not know anything, it'll get better. theres no rush to put a label on yourself ever. and I know that might not be helpful, cause it's what you hear all the time, it's what i hear all the time, and theres no answer. i atleast haven't found one yet, i just want to be something, to be sorted into one category, to know who i am, and i need that help but i'll never find it. and i hope someone out there has an answer, i hope someone out there knows, and if you relate to this whatsoever im so so sorry.
When I was about 12 I was on the playground swinging on the swings, a little boy who was about 7 years old sat next to me and we started to talk. He started to talk about hockey, which I had absolutely no idea about, and mentioned the Bruins. Mind you, when I was younger I had severe anger issues and couldn’t control my temper, even towards small children. He then went on to talk about how great they were and how they were the best team, I told him I had no idea what or who the Bruins were. He got flustered and shoved me off the swings saying, “Are you crazy!” I got so angry, I stood up and pushed him into a metal bar, he fell to the ground crying and yelling, “Your evil! And mean!” He continued to run away, now I was extremely angry and chucked my phone (with an Otter case) at his back. He continued to scream in pain as he ran home, only a couple of feet away. It turns out he had to be rushed to the hospital because I broke his skull and fractured his spine, even to this day, three years later. I have to walk past that park every day and every time I do I feel terrible. What should I do? It’s been three years so I feel like contacting him would be a little excessive, and when I told my friends they bullied me for almost a year calling me a terrible person for hurting a small kid.
