I have Self h@rmed multiple times and tried to take my own life more times than I can count, and I think a big portion of that is due to My mom and dad getting divorced just recently. The hell they put me through all those years was terrible. My father was, and still is, a very big drug addict and is into child p0rn and other.. not so consensual videos. He was very violent, and while he never physically touched me he threw things at me and even went so far as to push me off of our front porch balcony. I was one of his child p0rn victims, although he never physically did anything to me he watched me go to the bathroom, video taped me sleeping and doing other things without my permission, and even jerked off to my clothing. I was three at the time he took my clothing and gave it back to me, full of his c^m. He collected my teeth and even went so far as to collect my hair and listen to me through the vents and jack off. Recently he tried to take me to his house, and this wasnāt like the other times. He physically attacked me and stuffed me in his car, if I hadnāt opened the car and tumbled out I most likely wouldāve been raped and then sold off. By my own father. I feel bad about this, but whenever someone mentions parents who theyāre just annoyed with I get angry. At least you have a parent who is semi functional, and even then at least your parent isnāt trying to r@pe you. Should I feel bad about thinking that way? Itās just hard when Iāve gone through a lot of abuse from my parents, but I genuinely feel angry and upset that they talk about those things, especially in front of me when they know itās a touchy subject.
I got kicked out of the house last week. we are not a happy family, I have 5 brothers and no sisters. 2 are younger and 2 are older. The other is a twin. Remind you mother is never home. I'm 13 btw
After I got done cleaning, doing homework I went to take a shower and after doing so I cooked. Just as we're eating My mom comes in and says "wtf I told you to cook I'm freaking starving". I cooked but apparently it wasn't good enough. So she told me to cook again but I didn't bc I had just made roast beef and potatoes! and she just wants me to waste it.
She then goes on to tell me to get out of the house, that she did not care if I starve, freeze, or die. And that she did not live me anymore. Remind you I got out of the shower so my hair was still wet, I had a t shirt, shortvmcute and wet hair. And to make it worst it was snowing, she didn't even let me grab a jacket or maybe even a towel and kept repeatetly yelling "get out". So I put my shoes on and grabbed a thin blanket. She took my phone so I wouldn't call anyone like the cops or something.
As I'm at least 15 meters into pure darkness I started to cry, I'm scared of the dark like deeply. And then I just sat there crying and crying for about 3 hours. Then it hit me "it wasn't my fault" I kept saying over and over. Then I started to laugh about it in a worrying way. When I noticed what I was doing I stopped, not even shivering or crying. Pure silence, then I started humming thinking it would calm me of the dark and it did.
After an hour of humming and singing I heard footsteps and started tearing up. To my shock the man I called father was there, I thought for sure he was going to sit with me or convince me to go back inside. He just said loudly "don't ever call me your father ever again!" And walked off. I cried and soon fell asleep. I went back into the house after all this bc my mom had left again so I was good for now.
