not secret but i need to get it off my chest lol ik i sound crazy sry
i’m in love w someone i’ve never met, 4k miles away from me. ik it sounds weird like “wtf are u thinking it’s not real love” or “wtf he’s prolly not real” but i know he is, for almost a year i’ve been talking to him, spending all of my time talking to him. i never got bored, there was always something more to talk about, he is the only real person i’ve ever met ever. so honest and wel spoken, wise and genuine. funny and he made me who i am. i would still be stuck in depression if it wasn’t for him and i would still forget my self worth. he is the first person in my whole life that made me feel. feel more than empty. he filled this gap in my life that no one has ever been able to and he did it perfectly. i remember him saying the first time i talked to him, that he just wasn’t the type of guy to look for any girls or whatever and he just wanted to work on himself. a couple months later it was “i don’t know if u should be saying, and ion even be liking no one but there’s something about you and i like you a lot” and since then i’m like oh my god me too. we talked for months and called for hours, before i fell asleep i would send a good morning text bc he is 6hrs ahead of me. he made me smile so hard like no one else has ever and he’s just so different. you would have tot all to him to see but his personality is everything. i remember the first night i told him i loved him. he was just as happy as i was. “bro i’m smiling so hard it hurts” and “natalie you arnt like anyone else i’ve ever met. all i’ve ever rlly wanted is just you being you. and that in itself is special” he was(still is) my everything. we had to cut off our relationship bc of the long distance. we still talked and had convos but it was for the best. j was sad but he needed me to know that he still rlly loved me and that “you’re something special tho dont forget that” so i trusted him and i was only super upset for a day or two. 7 months pass and we still talk and still call, not as often tho for sure. to cope with not having him anymore, i got with 4 other ppl to try and fill the gap but i relizsd norhing worked. the only person that can fill it is him. one day we decided to call, this dude NEVER gets sad or down or hurt or anything. he always makes himself be okay, but he was vulnerable that night. he told me that he regretted telling me we needed to stop being in a relationship. he said it was the first time ever he wished he could turn back time. he said “i look for you in everybody i meet”. he really cares about me. and i can say this so confidently. i’m in love with him but it will never work out and it rips me apart, bc i look for him in everyone else. there’s no one like him in this world.
My sister used to always tell me how much she hated me because I was her younger sister that always took our parents’ attention from her. I was like 10 at the time and didn’t know any better. One day, she woke me up at around 11:00PM and said that she loved me and she was sorry before I fell asleep again. I woke up and my parents were crying their eyes out while trying to console me, I didn’t even know what was happening, so I didn’t know why they were comforting me. I don’t remember that well, but I know they said things like, “It’s okay. She’ll be back. She’s not gone forever.”
I was always confused about this, and a few days later they say me down at our dining table and told me that my sister had ran away from home at night and got into a severe accident a few blocks away. Of course, I didn’t believe them. My sister was like 13-14, so I didn’t think she’d run away from home at such a young age. Turns out it was true, and the police told our parents she wasn’t going to make it without blood transplants because she lost too much. None of my family members had her same blood type, including me, so she had to just pass away. It was difficult dealing with this, especially knowing that I was probably the last person she said that she loved before dying. I never told my parents she woke me up at 11:00PM, I feel like they’ll blame me for not trying to stop her from leaving. I was only 10.
Not a single person in my life knows this but in 2020 i left my home to study for uni outside the country. A few weeks before leaving, I gave all of my friends gifts, constantly spent so much time with them and my family as well, threw away anything that belonged to me, burnt/threw away my diary of 4 years or so, gave away my stuff, gave away my books and I also gave away some of my clothes to my sister. Everyone thought it was just a nice gesture but to be honest, I did all of that because I was planning to kill myself as soon as I leave. I didn’t want my diary to be an evidence for how suicidal I was because I planned how I would commit suicide and how I would make it look like an accidental death so no one would be upset. I wanted to keep something with my friends to remember me by. I remember crying so much to my parents and friends before leaving because I knew that this was legit the last time we would ever see each other but they didn’t know that. I acted happy and everyone thought I was actually getting better and my therapist noticed the change in my behavior too but it wasn’t real, I wanted to seem like I was getting better so no one would suspect a thing. I live alone now and it was very easy to just get my suicide plan over with but It’s 2022 now and I’m still alive. I don’t know how i survived but I did. I always think about the plan from now and then. If anyone suddenly decides to give away their stuff and they seem like they are getting better just out of nowhere and you know they have a history of depression or mental illness, PLEASE check up on them because they could be thinking about suicide. Look for the signs before it’s too late and my therapist was the only one who had noticed my cry for help. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I would be alive rn.
