When I was 17 I was friends w a guy. I had been hurt by so many starting w my family that I said I would only ever do stuff with one who truly cares. Once I go to the point w others they would leave and I gave up on anyone caring about me. I got talked into losing my virginity when I didn’t want to a guy who told me in the middle of it that he could not give two shits about and I better not get attached. And it was in the back of a truck and terrible. I guess at least it’s out of the way.

I have two older sisters. And two younger sisters. My two older sisters were really close. A few years ago they had a fall out. My oldest sister told my second oldest sister that she could die for all she cared that she never wanted to hear from her again. Their fight was a huge misunderstanding. My second oldest sister called the oldest to ask her to help come clean the apartment and help throw stuff out. My oldest sister misunderstood and thought she meant that we were gonna throw her things away. So when she arrived she started yelling at my sister who couldn’t even get a word out to explain. They haven’t spoken since and my oldest sister never apologized. Anyways so the other day we were hanging out with a friend who asked us which of our siblings was our favorite. I quickly said my younger sister. And when she asked my older sister she just said “I don’t have a favorite anymore.” And I could just hear how sad she was. My biggest regret is not stopping their fight. Maybe then my older sister wouldnt isolate herself from us so much. She used to interact with us so much. And now, you can just see how she’ll laugh with us and suddenly just withdraw herself. Like she just doesn’t feel comfortable being around us or something.

• June 9, 2023