I began to view adult content out of curiosity at a young age, and for years it consumed my life. I hated the person who I had become and saw no way out. I began to see the world through the lens of my pain and guilt and felt that I would never truly be loved by another. I planned to end my life this last July, but didn’t. I feel like I have never truly been liked simply to be liked. Everyone has only ever used me for something. And from these issues I now see the world as a very cold dark place. I have become bitter and cold towards my life and family. I don’t see a way out.

When I was younger(4) my cousins used to touch me inappropriately. I remember being pulled behind curtains and chairs only to be told to touch someone or be touched. I remember this happening so many times. Then when I was like 9 or 10 some kids came over to my house and I remember making one touch me. I thought since it was done to me, maybe it was okay. But, even though I was little I’ve never felt more irritated in my life. I still see those cousins. They still come around. I act like I don’t remember because they probably think I don’t. It breaks my heart when I do because I feel so irritated with my body and feel like I can never trust anyone with it. I just hate it, remembering it. When they slept over and made me touch them. These days I’m forcing myself to forget because It hurts to remember.

• January 8, 2023