I have been depressed I don't know for how long.It all started when I was abit young.My parents are the kind of perfictionist so all they always want to hear is the positives alone ,so with that i learned how to cope by just telling them the good things cause that's all they wanna hear.Ive attempted suicide 4 time but only 3(all in a span of less than a year) are known to my family. I started doing marijuana since 2015 but in low amounts In 2019 after highschool it got worse cause I was now using it to get away from reality, to get sleep cause insomnia was so draining me, to feel at least happy though its temporary.When the covid pandemic striked and schools closed that year was my worst nightmare. I attempted suicide in May July and october.The last one on october was so severe that I got hospitalized for a month in a mental health facility.Yes I was taken to therapy but my parents always coached me on what to say and what not to say. I took the medication only when I was hospitalised cause the information given to the psychiatrist and psychologist are what my parents told me to say. So every time I have a visit for a therapy session I'm always told what to say.I keep telling my parents I'm doing okay furthermore thats what they want to hear. At one point they even told me I'm possessed by an evil spirit and I'm really not sick.They said they have been through worse things than me and they are still doing fine.I feel like I'm getting worse each day is a struggle for me. I have to put on this happy and okay face cause I still have school work to do I have to pass tests in school.Each time when I'm alone I think about it and blame myself for everything. At one time in school a roommate asked me "why are you always disorganised and my stuff is everywhere in our room" I just laughed amd replied I will arrange them tonight.Deep down it really hurt me I really struggle to keep my stuff arranged and organised but I can't tell her that. I really don't know what to feel anymore.I cry myself to sleep most of the nights if not I just smoke marijuana and Im now turning to opiates.