I’m becoming the person that I told myself I would never become. I used to hate who I was and so I fixed myself, but now I’m falling back into my old habits. I hate myself. I really hate my personality with a passion. Sometimes I think my friends do too but maybe I’m just imagining things. Sometimes I unconsciously self sabotage and drift from people because I think they’re drifting from me. I kinda just wanna go back to when I was at my peak and when I was happy and not annoying or didn’t worry if people hated me.

Sooo im currently suffering from an ED (bulmina to be exact) and my friends are supportive of me but at the same time they still make jokes about it. I always hear the “why eat if youll throw it up” “oh did you throw up already” “you cant even keep it down” etc. it doesnt bother me too much because alot of times they try to keep me seated and let me stomach the food down and have always asked me how my progress is. But at the same time, my best friend isnt the biggest eater, at least not infront of me. We would plan days to go out and eat and she always eats less than i do. I get really insecure and that prompts me to get rid of the food. She oftenly comments how little she eats or how shes not hungry. If yk anything about EDs, you should know that it’s extremely competitive. So everytime i hear that or smth similar, body body freezes up and i no longer eat or keep anything down for the day. I cant bring myself too. I feel like a pig everytime i hear “im not hungry” or “oh i only ate one thing today” or anything along the lines of that. Its not her fault for saying this or my friends to joke about it, we aren’t sentimental with each other and it weirds us all out when it does happen. I know they dont mean it and want the best for me, but the comments just drive my ED further and further. I cant go to my family, they make comments on my body regardless so the only people i have are them, but at this point idk if ill be okay.

• July 31, 2023