Hopefully no one knows who is writing this. At around the age of 9 I was raped by an older guy. He was around 15. I’m a boy too btw. We were just friends and he started touching me a lot so I thought nothing of it you know. But then it got worse. He used me make me do things and do things to me and I didn’t know what was happening he just told me never to tell anyone and this continued for too long at one point I even knew it was wrong but I yearned the attention I was getting from him and I wanted that to happen to me. Till a few years back when he moved away and I didnt need it anymore. But I feel shit about myself coz he gave me attention when others just fat shamed me and made fun of me. But he is the reason I’m gay today. Not gay actually but bi. I’ve never had the courage to talk to anyone about this.

For years now I’m struggled with a problem regarding my love life. I’m a simp at heart and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love finding someone to simp over and going through the talking stage and getting to know them better and even the excitement before getting to see them in person or around school. It’s exhilarating and I love the way my heart races or when I smile at their texts. I’m a hopeless romantic not because I’ve experienced much in real life but because my passion is reading romance novels. I read 2 to 5 full length romance books a week and I love it. My issue is that the second I discover or even feel like the person I’m simping over likes me back, I get crippling anxiety and I ghost them or friend zone them. Obviously when I simp over these guys a relationship is what I want because I desperately crave falling in love but when they tell me they like me back or ask me on a date or even act like they’re interested back I get severe panic attacks and sometimes they get so bad I get physically ill. I crave physical touch but I’m fucking terrified of it and I don’t know how to help myself or find the route of this issue. I’ve been going to therapy for like 6+ months and not even my therapist can figure it out. I’m 18 and I’ve never had my first kiss, gone on a date, or even really done much more than holding hands with a guy and even then I panic. It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered the possibility that I’m asexual or something like that. I guess I’m looking for advice or even seeing if anyone has ever had this problem and how they dealt with it because I’m fed up with it and I really just want to experience love or even just be physical with someone without the dread. People that I’ve confided in about this in past have just told me “it’s normal! It’s just nervousness!!” But I’ve been Nervous before and this just isn’t the same

• July 29, 2023