During my sophomore year of high school (now a senior) I spoke up about my stepdad molesting me and offering me money to do it. I felt relieved after speaking up he got his karma now incarcerated and deported. But my brother molested me too and when I spoke up about him my family kept it hush hush. Everyone is pretending like we’re a perfect family and wants me to act normal but I don’t feel safe with my own thoughts sometimes. I’ve self harmed and attempted (sewerslide) multiple times. I got a job to try and cope with everything but I stress myself out even more with school and work and thinking about college. I want to ask for help. I want to ask for a therapist. I want to talk with someone but it’s like no one wants to hear me out bc it’s the same old sob story. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a big narcissists who wants to talk about herself but at the same time I feel like I need to talk to someone bc I’m scared of who I’m becoming. I don’t know how to feel happy anymore. I’m always angry I always stressed I’m always sad I’m unmotivated I’ve lost touch with reality I just numb. I dont understand my feelings and thoughts bc they’re scrambled in my mind. I’m just tired really fucking tired. Idk what to do at this point bc I don’t understand myself *if that make sense I just need advice on what to do to help better myself*

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023