i want to kms but not in like necessarily self inflicted i just want to die. i’m a shitty person and i fuck up many things for people around me. i’m 15 so this is a bit hard and i don’t think i’m thinking right. i do want to explore the world but i have so many issues in my head and i feel like after all the mourning life would carry on. not really with my near family but my school life and exes and what not. another issue is my fear of beyond living. i don’t want to stick around in a jar for eternity but i don’t want to continue living. i have my addictions that will cause future harm. i don’t know. no one really understands. i am not perfect as there is no perfect but i desire that thought. my ex is crazy and suicidal but i feel like he’s going to kill me as he has someone else before. i’m so tired. i feel like i shouldn’t have this desire bc my parents bought me a brand new 44k challenger and im just lost in teen senses. help.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023