July 2020, my mom had gotten a call from her mom and said that her dad (my grandpa) was not going to make it by tonight according to the doctors. My mom and I took the 4 hour drive to see my my mom’s side of the family and meet them in the hospital. I remember the negative thoughts clouding my head on the drive there. It was around 9 pm when we had arrived. We met up with my grandma, aunts and uncles then went to see my grandpa. My grandpa had pneumonia and covid. His lungs were terribly damaged. I remember seeing him on the hospital bed and seeing how different he looked. His cheekbones were visible and his face was pale. Everyone was crying, but I wasn’t. I tried to cry but I couldn’t. My expression was blank and my mind was empty. I felt helpless. Then we were lead to the hospital chapel and stayed there for another hour or 2. I looked up at the cross with Jesus on it. I’m not a religious person but for the first time I had prayed to him, begging him to save my grandpa or at least take care of him once he had left this world. At 11 pm, my grandma had said her goodbyes to the love of her life, and decided that the plugs should be pulled out. One thing I feel so guilty about is not spending more time with my grandpa. And what’s worse, I saw my mom cry for hours and it pained me that my mom had lost a parent. It made me realize one day… I’ll be losing her too. But that’s how life is, how humans are. Life is truly precious.

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023