This was when I was 13, I had just gotten out the mental hospital for attempted suicide, just a few weeks had past and while I was gaming I had more or less a thought and image pop into my head that my upstairs neighbor was going to attempt, I didn't think too much about it as I get morbid thoughts often and given my circumstances it was normal. Well a week had passed and I come to find out he had hung himself. The exact way that I had seen the week before. He was my first crush, only a couple years older than me. I can't help but blame myself for his death but I couldn't go up and check on him because I had barely known him and his younger brother had some issues so I was uncomfortable around there. It's been 7 years now and I still feel the guilt and regret I did then maybe even more so now.

My girlfriend and i loved each other, we were together for 4 years and spent every spare time we had with each other. It wasn’t until then where i started hanging out with friends more than i would talk to her. At first, she seemed to understand that i needed some space so she didn’t bother to go and talk to me. Then, I eventually got more and more hooked to hanging with friends to the point where we barley even said hi to each other. My attitude and personality also changed with me, i became the cool kid in school, i went to parties, i bullied people who where weaker than me, i played video games and all sorts. I took advantage of my popularity and maybe even cheated a few times. My girlfriend eventually got more and more worried about my mental and social health so she would often go and check up on me. When she did, it was often like “heyyy… could we maybe hang out today?” Or “how are you doing babe?” I would respond and say “stop wasting my time and go hang out with yourself, don’t you have friends too?” She then moved in with me, claiming that she won’t bother me at all, so i agreed, i mean i was rarely even home, i was either out partying or with friends. Then one day, my friends started acting weird and avoided me. Everyone seemed to have avoided me in school and everywhere else. I found out that someone told the principal how i’ve been acting and what i’m doing, the principal said she’ll expel me and everyone who was involved with me. I went home, lonely and filled with sadness, everyone was gone, no one was there for me now.. except my girlfriend, she said that it’ll be okay. She was there for me the next few days, but i still wasn’t used to my life without friends. I started play video games 24/7, and started to ignore my girlfriend again. She came time to time to ask if we could talk and get some fresh air outside, but i coldly told her to get out because she was distracting me from the game. Then, she came and asked me “do you love me babe?” I lost control so i yelled out with anger “NO I DON’T OKAY? YOU’RE ANNOYING AND A WASTE OF SPACE, GET OUT OF MY ROOM I HATE YOU!” she stood in shock, she seemed alarmed of my response and walked out the room. I thought she’d be mad, but she wasn’t, she just seemed a bit down. She asked me “what would you do if i died?” I laughed and joked, “i would cry tears of joy, because i’ll finally be free from you” she didn’t seem sad or mad, instead she walked away silently. The next few days, i didn’t see her around, i thought maybe i had went too far so then i decided to ask one of her friends what was going on with her because i didn’t want to make a scene again. Her friends exclaimed how she was going through a lot at home and at school, her family kicked her out and students picked on her in school. She’s also suffered depression and goes to therapy once in a while. Even when she’s going through all these things she’s still put it all together to comfort me and deal with my sh*t. I felt terrible, so i decided to go and check up on her. I opened the door, and saw her hanging with a rope around her neck. Tears streamed down my face while i ran over to her, i stumbled over a note she had wrote to me, it read “if you are reading this, I’m probably long gone. If this is what makes you happy, i do not regret my decision. Remember i love you, even if you hate me, i’ll always love you.” I hugged her cold body, crying and screaming for her to come back to me. I haven’t realized how much she suffered because of me, i felt so guilty. That day, i lost the love of my life, I’d probably never be able to love again.

• April 25, 2023