My grandma passed away last year and i wasnt there for her final moments. This is one thing i will always regret. I keep thinking its my fault too because she died of covid and the same month my grandma passed my mom had my little sibling and i found out she had covid but what i found out next is that covid can be in your system for a couple months which is what happened to my mom since she didnt have any symptoms atm or anything but at the end of November i remember her being sick, my little sister, grandma, uncle and her husband and i went over there and i didnt feel sick or anything but thats when i thought what if i was a symptomatic because i found out blood type o can be symptomatic or have a higher resistance but at the beginning of December my grandma from my dads side got sick and i visited her a day or 2 before she got sick. It took me 2 months after her death that it was my fault and i couldnt even be there with her in her last moments. To this day i still feel like its my fault and no matter what people say it wont change the fact its all my fault. If i was to tell my family or dad i bet they would all hate me and despise me.

Sooo im currently suffering from an ED (bulmina to be exact) and my friends are supportive of me but at the same time they still make jokes about it. I always hear the “why eat if youll throw it up” “oh did you throw up already” “you cant even keep it down” etc. it doesnt bother me too much because alot of times they try to keep me seated and let me stomach the food down and have always asked me how my progress is. But at the same time, my best friend isnt the biggest eater, at least not infront of me. We would plan days to go out and eat and she always eats less than i do. I get really insecure and that prompts me to get rid of the food. She oftenly comments how little she eats or how shes not hungry. If yk anything about EDs, you should know that it’s extremely competitive. So everytime i hear that or smth similar, body body freezes up and i no longer eat or keep anything down for the day. I cant bring myself too. I feel like a pig everytime i hear “im not hungry” or “oh i only ate one thing today” or anything along the lines of that. Its not her fault for saying this or my friends to joke about it, we aren’t sentimental with each other and it weirds us all out when it does happen. I know they dont mean it and want the best for me, but the comments just drive my ED further and further. I cant go to my family, they make comments on my body regardless so the only people i have are them, but at this point idk if ill be okay.

• July 31, 2023