I wrote this letter to my ex who passed away while we we're dating when I was 18 and I wrote this last year. I'm doing a little better now but it's still hard. My therapist told me to write a letter to help with the PTSD and trauma and show it to someone. I've been too scared to show it to anyone until right now. Dear Alexis, Ever since you have been gone everything has been horrid for me. You left me here alone with no support and I think about you everyday…. I hate what you did…. I hate that I walked in on you dead…. The pain I felt was immeasurable… i have never cried like that before…. To see you bloody… lifeless… with the hunting knife i gave you loosely gripped in your hand…. Bloody… your neck… oh god your neck….. I immediately dropped down to the floor, crying…. I kept yelling, “please don’t leave me” with no avail…. I miss you more than everything…. I wish i knew why you left me….. That eats me away inside…. I thought about ending it everyday until last year to be with you again….. That night haunts me every day and i can’t sleep cause of that night…. The note you left I still have with me with the words "Crossing Over" referencing your fav song by 5FDP written on it…. The words still echo in my mind.. I know you want me to be happy but for the last 3 years i couldn't be happy without you… My parents hate me…. I decided to get close to a girl who ended up breaking my heart…. I love you more than anything and would do anything to bring you back…. Do you remember going to Kayak Point and cuddling to a nice warm fire watching the tide and the night sky? Do you remember when you slipped and i tried to catch your fall and i fell too? That shit had us IN TEARS… i still remember our first kiss, our first hug, our first intimate moment… i haven’t been the same since you left… I’ve been broken.. Like more broken than you could ever imagine...I haven’t been able to think straight… i haven’t been able to keep a job… i move too fast in relationships cause idfk what to do… i don’t know how to talk with people anymore…. I subconsciously push people away cause i’m afraid I’ll actually find someone to replace you….. I dont know what to do anymore Alexis….. I’m completely out of options…. I was gonna propose to you the night you died…. Bet you didn’t know that… I was gonna propose right when midnight hit on new years, watching the fireworks… cause of what you did i’ve been afraid to love….. I remember your last words to me… “i love you more than anything Blake, I hope you never forget that.” i didn’t say anything back….. Maybe thats what has been killing me these yearse… me not saying i love you back….i never told anyone that because i feel horrible…. I could’ve said it back but all i said was laugh and giggle a little and said goodbye because I was at work and hung up…. Little did i know you would end it all that night…..maybe thats why ive felt like shit the last 3 years…. Maybe i wish that i said i love you back and didn’t hang up the phone and kept talking to you’d still be here….. I’ve been a wreck ever since you left… i’ve been grasping at anything i can get my hands on to replace/forget you… maybe thats why i love Ryuko Matoi so much and why im obsessed with her…. I just fully realized while writing this that im using her as a replacement for you…. I relapsed the day after you died… and i only just became clean in October…. I want to relapse now but im forcing myself not to because you would want me clean….its fuckin hard… i’m in a rut… my parents hate me, Its like they dont care… they care more about my brother more than me…. nuff about them…. You were the last person to accept all of me and all my flaws… i wanna say thank you….. I went to the place we first kissed today at the edge of the dock at Kayak Point… I wanna say thank you for all the good memories… I wanna say that writing this has helped.. I still love you more than anything… Love your small little Italian… Blake.