I grew up with two best friends, one was a girl and the other a boy. I was slightly closer to the boy because he was more of a extrovert, like me. We shared secrets, hard moments, intimate moments. He stopped talking to me for no reason at all and disappeared from my life on 2021. I have never told him, that during that year, i was actually planning my suicide step by step. That nice birthday card I gave to you? Telling you how much I loved you? That was a goodbye. I was supposed to die on 23 of August. I drank a six pack of beers and smoked 2 joints, walked all the way to my house until the subway station and was meant to jump. Long story short, i was there for 3-4 hours just watching the trains and i just couldn't do it. We recently started talking again on 2022 and I'm never gonna tell him the damage he made on my self esteem and ability to trust on other. If I would tell him now, after the whole thing kinda solved it out by itself, i fell like i would only be doing this to hurt him and he feels bad enough already. I'm taking the truth to the grave.

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023