My mom asked me to help her with her iPhone one day, I agreed because she's older and never got the hang of technology. I stumbled across messages with her and my brother where my name was mentioned. I wasn't trying to snoop but it was hard to ignore. She admitted to never loving me and said that there just was never a connection there. I had always had problems being the middle child but this was just the nail in the coffin. My dad never interfered in all the times she mentally absused me over the years. I've been in and out of therapy for the last 5 years, I'm 30 and I've struggled with suicidal urges since I was 8. If my own mother didn't love me why should I ever love myself?

i really dislike whenever my parents compare me to my other siblings. it’s always “try harder. they get much better grades than you and what do you do? stay on your phone all day.” the thing is, no matter how much i tell them that i actually try hard and study every night, they never believe me. even my own siblings, they see my studying in my room but end up ganging on me with my parents. it’s like my parents don’t even have faith and belief in their daughter anymore. it’s like my own siblings don’t see me as their sister anymore. i really do try my best when it comes to studying. i really do. no matter how hard it is, i take my time out and study, but my family never seems to understand or agree with what i do. even my friends betray me. believe it or not, i have no friends. no one even checks up on me anymore and life is so boring now. i’ve never felt so lonely and so… upset. i cry every night knowing no one cares about me. there are times where i just wanna end it. what’s the point of being alive if no one even cares? no one ever supports me anymore. the smile of me 5 years ago is not the smile i have right now. all i get is blamed at, body shamed at and yelled at.

• August 6, 2023