My brother was raped about a yr ago and was given herpes in his mouth and he told me not to drink behind him. But he offers me to share food/drinks/straws, etc and I always refuse and he is always saying "I was raped and didnt choose to get herpes why are u acting like I got a disease?" and when he says this I feel guilty and ashamed for refusing to share things that he places his mouth on even though he told me not to. And he always brings up him being raped whenever we try to have a conversation he has a therapist but he tells me things he doesnt tell his therapist so i am understanding and he makes comments that make me uncomfortable. i dont know how to comfort him or what advice to give and he is also using drugs and saying hes using them bc of what happened to him and also trys to kiss my nephews in the mouth and on their cheeks knowing he has outbreaks and Im scared if hes gonna pass it to the babies. No one knows he has herpes only me and I tell him not to kiss my nephews bc I dont want anything happening to them but he refuses to listen to me.

I hold back from venting a lot because of this one incident. It was once but it was hard on me especially because it involves a subject I don’t really like talking about. I was about 12. I have a bad relationship with my parents but mostly my dad. And at that time it was at its highest. I had held it in so I wouldn’t blow up on my dad. I explained my situation to people on discord. I know its not much of a reliable source but I was on panic mode. And what they said had mostly matched so I just went with that. I had told them I’d be back. I talked to my dad. Nothing. It was all the same between me and him. I went back to the two people who were helping me and you know what they did? They ignored me. They went on and had their own conversation. I was so angry that I left the server. I’m 13 now I make sure the people who vented to me never got ignored and I made sure to get to them if I accidentally missed it. But I’ve always been scared to vent from that point I thought I’d get ignored or they’d say “same”. Or even think they would say its too much. Even if I got their consent to vent I still think that. Even to people I know I can trust like my best friends, boyfriend, etc. I’m usually a person who holds onto past mistakes and I’m constantly bullying myself. And because of that I have mood swings sometimes and I just need to vent but its so constant so I feel like I need to hold onto it and say that I’m fine when really I’m not. I’m not fine. I’m constantly thinking about different things. Sometimes I think that if I disconnect from everyone and kms everything would be fine. The world would move on and that after my funeral no one would care anymore. The days are getting longer and the nights are getting shorter. Sometimes it feels like hell. I wish that I could climb a building really high. Not to jump off it but just so I can scream my pain out. I wish I knew how to open up to people about my problems. I always joke about it so people won’t find out anything. I just wish that my pain can leave and fade away.

• June 5, 2023