i grew up in an abusive household. my mom and dad were together until i was 3, never married. my dad met my step mom and they eventually moved into the home my mom and dad had once shared. my step mom changed my dad in every way. eventually they had a kid together and it all got worse. whether it was verbal or physical, it got very overwhelming. i couldn’t leave because of my younger brother. this started when i was 7, and i moved out at 14. i am now 17 and have very little communication with my dad. it’s hard for me to think about how sad it makes my dad feel that he lost his daughter. if it wasn’t for her, he’d be such a better father figure. i hate to think im still continuing to hurt him.

i want to die. it’s crazy this is the first time I’ve actually written that because I’m scared of the truth. I always thought mentally I was okay. I thought I could do it or I could just forget I’m sad. I know, it sounds stupid but genuinely I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking I’ll kill myself. I want to stop trying to find excuses why I should stay alive. Recently the excuse of my mom hasn’t been helping. And now I’m scared one day I’ll be done.it started after my cousin touched me when I was 6. i remember it like it was yesterday. I removed the feelings I had while he touched me. I remember the fear I felt and how I wanted to run. I remember all the people in the room watching it happen and not helping. I also remember me not saying anything for weeks because I was afraid my family would yell at me. And then it happened when I was 9, 11 and 14. I remember everything and I’ve never told a soul what happened. I mean ofc people know but not how many times or who did it. I refuse to be labeled as a victim. Because those who are, are just the victims. Not the survivors and not the ones who made a change. I can’t go to my friends because they never really have time for me. I’ll make time for them always idc I worked three full time jobs at once and always made time. But I understand sometimes it might be harder for others. It’s okay.

• June 25, 2023