I lost my great grandmother when I was like 6 I didn’t really see it coming but everyone else did. I remember when my mom texted my dad that she passed. I remember reading it and just running into my room. I cried every single night for at least two months. My mom would have to come and comfort me. I’m a teenager now and I still cry about it a lot except now I keep it to myself. I don’t want to tell anyone when I cry because I just like don’t showing it whenever I’m sad. Because I’m like the happy person in the family that’s like always in a good mood. I know I should tell my parents how I feel but I just don’t know how to start that conversation. And they ask me if I’m ok and I just say yeah and put a smile on my face. I just don’t know what to do.

i really dislike whenever my parents compare me to my other siblings. it’s always “try harder. they get much better grades than you and what do you do? stay on your phone all day.” the thing is, no matter how much i tell them that i actually try hard and study every night, they never believe me. even my own siblings, they see my studying in my room but end up ganging on me with my parents. it’s like my parents don’t even have faith and belief in their daughter anymore. it’s like my own siblings don’t see me as their sister anymore. i really do try my best when it comes to studying. i really do. no matter how hard it is, i take my time out and study, but my family never seems to understand or agree with what i do. even my friends betray me. believe it or not, i have no friends. no one even checks up on me anymore and life is so boring now. i’ve never felt so lonely and so… upset. i cry every night knowing no one cares about me. there are times where i just wanna end it. what’s the point of being alive if no one even cares? no one ever supports me anymore. the smile of me 5 years ago is not the smile i have right now. all i get is blamed at, body shamed at and yelled at.

• August 6, 2023