TW: S3LF H@RM, ST@RV@T!ON, W3!GHT, @PP3@R@NCE, SU!C!D@L THOUGHTS. Now let’s begin. this started all when i was 6. 6 and worried about my weight. 6 and starving myself. i was definitely big for 6, and i don’t mean just tall. i was overweight but happy, sorta. i decided i hated the way i looked. so what did i do? i starved myself. i would go a day at a time not eating. this went on for about 7 years, and still is. it slowly progressed into days, and sometimes weeks. i’ve always struggled with my weight and how i look, even to this day. now onto self harm and suicidal thoughts. i started self harming at 7. i would run the water so hot that i’d burn myself. or i’d cut myself w scissors or just my fingernails. it got so bad that at 10 years old, i had a cutt!ng kit next to my bed. it had bandaids and cleaning pads and all that and of course scissors. at 10, i’d take my hot glue gun and burn myself. i’d always have blisters. i did sports, like softball, to try and lose weight. that would maybe take my mind off of self harming. it did kinda, i had less time to but it didn’t stop, and it still hasn’t. 10 i was 5’3- 5’6 and weighed about 140-150 pounds. i starved myself so much that i’d be at 110 some days.i’ve never had a healthy lifestyle ever. i need advice and help before i end up six feet under.

In 3rd grade I had a best friend she made me laugh and I was so happy being friends with her. Eventually we started having sleepovers and this went on till 5th grade. I went over to her house every single weekend. We made SO many memories together. Then all of a sudden I always got really homesick and I always wanted to go home. I would start crying and call my parents in the middle of the night and they would have to come pick me up. Then after this happened over 15 times we started having sleepovers at my house. She was very respectful about how I couldn't stay at her house. We even had sleepovers with other people. AT OTHER PEOPLES HOUSES. But there something about her house that just always made me want to go home. The strange thing was that she moved and I still did the same thing but I had the courage to go over to other peoples houses a little more now. Me her and our other friend decided to hang out but this time she was different she wasn't as respectful as I remember her being. She had said that day infront of other people "we should have a pool party sleepover and we can invite _____, ________, ________ just like a bunch of people and she turned to me and started laughing and said if u could even go. A couple months passed and some girl i hadn't talked to in like a year and a half txts me and says "you wanna have a sleepover? " and of course i said yes bc I wanted to catch up but the thing was she was part of my "friends" best friend group. And Eventually into the night she called some girl at the sleepover and that girl told my "friend" that I was staying over.She then blocked me on all socials and I couldn't talk to her at all. What I hope wasn't happening was that my "friend" told her bestie to see if I would stay at her house just to play me... up until recently when someone pointed it out (7-8 months later) I realized this could have been the case. But there are always 2 sides of the story I just couldn't ever explain why I wanted to go home because I genuinely didn't know and I don't feel bad anymore but then she really put me through something that I wasn't ready for. 3 years of friendship in the trash and she told her friends so now I'm afraid they hate me. But they were my friends before they were hers so I don't know. The worst thing is she is really close with two of my best friends and everytime something happens to her they tell me and I don't wanna be rude and say I don't care but I really can't handle hearing about her and I act like its fine and that it doesn't hurt to hear her name or see her but it does. Because she looks SO happy and I just don't. I guess I probably wasn't very important to her. But she was to me and as much as I want to move on ive learned two things .1 losing ur best friend is way harder then losing a s/o 2. Even if I want to ill still always have the good ... and the bad memories with me. She's also the reason I have MAJOR trust issues what also sucks is that I can't tell anyone because all my friends would have to choose me or her and I feel like all of them would choose her.

• May 22, 2023