its been 3 years since my nana passed to cancer, who was also my bestfriend. i could go to her when i needed to talk about things i couldnt talk about with friends or my parents. she was there with me through everything and its recently been hard because we lost her mom to cancer 4 months ago. im glad neither of them are hurting anymore. but it hurts me emotionally and physically because theyre both gone, and because im starting to not remember what my nanas voice sounds like. i know it might not seem like a big deal to alot of people. but me and her spent everyday, everyweek, and every weekend together. are birthdays are exactly 2 weeks apart and that's definitely the hardest time of the year for me. i really just wish i could remember her voice, and me not remembering it makes me feel like a bad person. the last time i heard her voice i was 11. and now ill be 15 in 6 months. i feel like i havent made her proud of me. or proud at all. i just wish there was a way for me to hear her voice again...

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023