From 10 to 14 my half brother raped me repeatedly. But I never said no, but I never said yes. I feel like I was asking for it but was seduced into it at the same time. Whenever I tried to stop he wouldn’t and he got in contact with me last year. As I’m now 16 almost 17 I feel disgusted with what my younger self did. Is it my fault? Was I raped? Was it consensual?

When I was 17, I met a guy (19) I really liked. We started dating for a few months and every moment with him made me so incredibly happy. He used to travel 4 hours from his university just to see me and surprise me randomly at school. We would study together, motivate each other, enjoy yummy food and had the same humour. I had never cared about someone so much in my life before; he was my best friend and he truly cared about me too. A few months later, I end up going to the same university as him - I was so happy to be able to see him every day. But he told me he was struggling with depression and needed a break from school. I understood and we decided to remain friends when he went back to his home city, which is 8 hours away. I couldn’t see him anymore but we still kept in touch. But eventually, our friendship fizzled out. The summer after my first year of university, I open Instagram and guess who was trending…my ex bf/friend! And not for good reasons..there were stories going around of him being a rapist. Images of girls with bruised legs, at least 20 stories confessed about him scamming girls for money and being a total asshole. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The guy I had been best friends with and who genuinely cared about me so deeply was a …rapist?!! How could he have lied to me; was our friendship fake? He ended up getting banned at several clubs and all the girls in major cities across the country knew of his disgusting actions. I was so angry. I wanted to help those girls who were raped and abused by him. Luckily, I knew everything about him - his passwords, his address, his account login passwords. I leaked his email to the public, I deleted all his social media accounts, and I reported him to the police. But, I felt guilty. In my memories, he was still the nice, caring, smart guy who always made me laugh and feel safe. I never saw him as a rapist - that version of him didn’t exist in my head. I logged into his email and saw so many death threats - people told him to kill himself. I saw his Google search history about wanting to commit suicide and how many years of jail he would serve. He must have felt so lost and had no idea that I was the one who leaked his personal information. I ended up feeling so guilty that I didn’t go through with the complete police report. I also deleted instagram because I felt stressed when I read girls’ stories about him. It’s been 1.5 years since the incident and I still think about him. I haven’t talked to him and I still feel guilt for betraying him by leaking things. At the same time, he was a rapist and should deal with the consequences. But, I keep holding on to our good memories, photos, videos and messages. If I’m being honest, those texts and videos he used to send me to motivate myself still encourage me to continuously do better in school and life - that’s how much I still value his words. And a big part of me still cares about him, despite what he did. But, Im not sure if the version of him from my memories still exist. I’m so heartbroken and I have no one to confide with. I’m afraid other girls may think I’m supporting a rapist or that I’m a coward. It’s so hard for me to accept the reality of what he’s done and to forget all the happy moments I shared with him.

• February 13, 2023